


A Hole Where Something Was

by raths_kitten



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Community: spn_j2_bigbang, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-24
Updated: 2013-06-24
Packaged: 2017-12-16 01:52:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raths_kitten/pseuds/raths_kitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Psych major Jensen makes it a habit to visit the residents of Silent Oaks Psychiatric Hospital together with his dog Icarus. One day, Icarus leads him to a new patient. The reclusive, withdrawn Jared quickly tugs at Jensen’s heart. With Icarus help, Jared slowly opens up. But what happens when Jared discovers Jensen is writing a thesis about his volunteer work and Jensen has to decide if Jared is a case study, or if he’s become way more than that, maybe even more important than the thesis all together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hole Where Something Was

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://serenitysangel.livejournal.com/profile)[**serenitysangel**](http://serenitysangel.livejournal.com/), because tales of her awesome, sadly late dog inspired this. Title snagged from Fall Out Boy’s “Disloyal Order of Water Buffalos”. Many thanks to [](http://flawedamythyst.livejournal.com/profile)[**flawedamythyst**](http://flawedamythyst.livejournal.com/) for beta-reading this! And of course thank you very much to my lovely artist [](http://ldyghst.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://ldyghst.livejournal.com/)**ldyghst**. Written as part of [BigBang 2010](http://spn-j2-bigbang.livejournal.com/).

Jensen was standing outside the gates of Silent Oaks Psychiatric Hospital. Silent Oaks. The name still creeped him out. If he were ever to write a horror movie, that would be what he’d call the haunted asylum in it, the one where people were getting slaughtered. But this was supposed to be a positive place. A place where people got better. He shook his head and smiled down at his dog. “Ready to go in, Icky?”

Icarus barked back in reply and Jensen grinned, bending down to ruffle his head. “Good boy.”

Despite being a cockapoo and thus destined to be a carried-around pet for girls, Icarus was a registered P.A.T. Dog and Jensen couldn’t be prouder. Icky was the best thing to ever happen to him, and when Danneel brought him back to his place after their nasty break-up it was the happiest she’d ever made him. Which should be saying something about their relationship, but whatever. No hard feelings. He got Icarus out of it, because, apparently, he’d ‘ruined him forever’.

Danneel had bought him because he was cute. Jensen had been the one to feed him and walk him and realize his great potential. He’d trained him and enrolled him in the Pets As Therapy program because he knew Icky could help. And Icky was happy to. If it had disturbed him, Jensen would have stopped. But Icarus was always bouncy whenever they left a nursing home.

Now he was trying something new and unapproved. It had taken some convincing, but he’d gotten the director of Silent Oaks to sign off on his little project. It wasn’t only the elderly who needed a companion. The dogs could do so much more good out there. And he was going to prove it.

He’d already made good progress with some of the residents of Silent Oaks. They didn’t let him near the suicidal patients, but that was okay. He understood. Jensen could however talk to some of the clinically depressed and those few who were filed under the same label, but who just really needed some rest and perspective.

Not everybody always needed medication. At least that was Jensen’s opinion. He was lucky that Eric, the director of Silent Oaks, agreed with him.

It was a fulfilling task and Jensen was looking forward to his visit. Icarus seemed excited to meet his new friends as well, because he was leaning hard into his leash - or as hard as the little guy could, anyway - telling Jensen to stop dawdling and hurry the hell up.

“Alright, alright,” Jensen smiled at Icky and pressed the buzzer to be allowed in. They already knew him and it was enough for him to wave at the security guard. He didn’t have to sign in anymore. In a way, he was a staff member. Once inside the compound, Jensen went straight for the gardens with their huge, name-giving oaks. The grounds were really quite large, but there were also a few community places, so you could either just wander off and be alone, or sit with fellow patients and play chess, or cards, or just chat.

Jensen was headed for the chess tables when Icarus suddenly had other plans and dragged him towards one of the benches, where a guy was sitting slumped over, just staring at the ground. Jensen wasn’t so sure if this was the right person to approach, but if Icky sensed something, he’d follow.

As he got nearer, the guy noticed them and sat up, confused. Jensen was startled to notice how young he was, shaggy hair and clothes - a bathrobe, actually - having disguised his age before. But this guy – this kid – couldn’t be any older than twenty. Icarus stopped in front of the stranger and sat down, wagging his tail. The guy cocked his head, but he neither reached out nor did his sullen expression visibly change.

“It’s okay, you can touch him,” Jensen started to say and moved closer. The guy looked up at him briefly, but then his gaze zoomed quickly back to the ground. “I’m Jensen, by the way. And this is Icarus. Nice to meet you, uh…” Jensen held out his hand hopefully, but the stranger ignored him.

Jensen’s face fell. Oh well then. “Alright. We’ll get out of your hair, then.” He forced a smile and tugged on Icky’s leash. But Icarus wouldn’t budge. “Icky. Come on.” Jensen frowned and tugged a little harder.

Icarus got up, but he still wouldn’t leave. Instead he suddenly barked and then bounced up and down quite a few times. “Shit!” Jensen blushed. ‘On the job’, Icarus never yapped or made quite a scene like this. He didn’t know what was up with his dog today.

“Down. Icarus. Down!” Jensen’s voice was firm and it got through to his dog. Icky stopped and turned towards him, giving him an innocent look, as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. Jensen was about to scold him and apologize to the stranger, but when he looked at him, he saw that the kid was fighting down a smile. Huh. Imagine that.

Jensen wasn’t going to call him up on it but he found himself smiling as well. “Alright. See you tomorrow, maybe?” He didn’t expect an answer and he didn’t get one, but he was hopeful when he left. The stranger had smiled. Somehow, this felt like a big deal. Jensen wasn’t quite sure why, but it had touched something within him. And he’d try his best to make him smile again the next day.

And Icarus was going to get a special treat later. Even if, technically, he’d been a bad boy. But he had good instincts and Jensen had learned to trust in them.

Thankfully it was spring break, so Jensen could make good on his promise and be back the next day. The stranger was sitting on the same bench again, one of the first ones when you came in, but still hidden from view from the main gates and far away from the social tables, which were closer to the house.

Icarus woofed happily as they got closer and the kid looked up, surprised, then he closed his bathrobe tighter and Jensen could swear he saw him blush. Huh. His gaze was focused back on the ground, but his eyes kept sneaking up ever so slightly, waiting for Icarus to appear in his view, it seemed. Jensen smiled. There. His boy seemed to be breaking through to the kid.

The only problem was, Icky was still barking. Jensen shushed him. He wasn’t supposed to make noise. Always being calm and friendly was a must for a P.A.T. Dog. They couldn’t go into a nursing home and bark down the place. And even if Icarus was such a small dog, Jensen still looked around nervously. He didn’t want to lose his opportunity here.

“Shut it, Icky. Dammit,” Jensen whispered harshly. They were in front of the guy now and Jensen kneeled down to point his finger straight in Icky’s face. “Down!”

Icarus looked at him, panting with his tongue lolling out, then he turned and looked at the stranger and gave another yap, as if he was waiting for the kid’s command instead of Jensen’s. Jensen frowned.

“Listen, if you can’t behave today, we’re going to have to leave.” Jensen tried to reason with his dog, even though he knew it was futile. In response, Icky just barked again. “Fuck.” Jensen passed his hand through his hair. What if they were scaring the kid off? “I’m sorry.” He looked at him, even though the guy was still looking at the ground. “We’ll just leave again.”

He stood up and bent to pick up his dog, when the stranger suddenly spoke up. “No, wait.” The boy looked up and his eyes met Jensen’s. “Don’t.”

Jensen bit his lip. “You want us to stay?”

“I don’t want you to punish the dog.” The shaggy-haired kid held out his hand and Icarus sniffed it curiously before he started licking. The boy didn’t try and hide his smile this time. Jensen’s heart skipped a beat.

“He’s not supposed to bark,” Jensen explained. “And usually he doesn’t.” He shrugged, wishing the boy would look back at him instead of staring at Icky. Jensen still hadn’t figured out the color of his eyes. “I wouldn’t have punished him though.”

Now the guy did look up, face furrowed in doubt. He was assessing Jensen, seeing if he was being told the truth. Then he nodded. “Okay.”

“So, uh. Can we… can we stay?” Jensen asked.

“Okay.” The kid was still letting Icarus lick his hand.

Jensen smiled. It was actually really cute. “So, hi again. I’m…”

”Jensen.” The guy interrupted him, finally looking up again. “I know. And this is Icarus.” He’d moved to scratch him behind his floppy ears and Jensen realized how huge the guy’s hands actually were. Icarus seemed to be loving it.

He smiled, chagrined. “Right.” Jensen scratched the back of his neck. “Didn’t think you…”

“I’m not retarded, Jensen.” The guy’s face hardened and he looked back down.

Jensen wanted to kick himself. “Yeah, I know. Sorry, it’s just…” He had no idea how to continue this, so he decided to move past it. “And you’re…?” Maybe he shouldn’t press, but he wanted a name with the face. And the eyes. He still couldn’t decide which color they were. It was equal parts fascinating and frustrating.

The guy left him hanging for a minute before he answered. “Jared.”

“Jared,” Jensen repeated. He was about to hold his hand out again, but then decided against it. “Nice to meet you, Jared. Uhm, again. Since we already met yesterday.” And Jensen should just shut up.

Jared smiled at him though. “Yeah, _Jensen._ ” Then he focused back on the dog. “And it’s very nice to meet you, little Icarus.”

Icky responded to his name with a small yip, then Jared picked him up and cradled him against his chest, petting him affectionately. And Jensen didn’t know this guy. At all. And he’d never been jealous of his dog before, but right now…

He mentally kicked himself and sat down on the grass opposite of Jared’s bench. He knew better than to invade his personal space and share the bench. He’d made that mistake a few weeks ago, when he’d sat down uninvited next to this guy called Fred. It hadn’t ended well.

And this was not a hook-up. He was here to help Jared get better. Or rather, Icarus was here to help Jared. Jensen was just the dog walker. He should just sit back and let them have their time together.

“So, are you visiting someone?” Jared asked, surprising Jensen.

“Yes. You.” Jensen couldn’t help a smirk.

Jared smiled back and for the first time, Jensen could really see his dimples. Damn! That boy’s smile could light up a room. “No, I mean, who’re you really here to see?”

“You?” Jensen suggested, and then he had to look away, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’m here to see whoever wants to see me. Or well, Icarus. He’s a therapeutic dog.”

Jared raised his eyebrow, then he brought Icky up close to his face. “Are you now?” Icarus was licking the air, trying to reach Jared’s face. “So, Icarus, do you want to know about my mother?”

Icarus once again yipped and Jared laughed. Jensen chuckled. “That’s not really what…” Jensen stopped himself. “Uh, if you want to talk about your mother, go ahead. I can leave you two alone, if you want to?”

Jared just gave him a look, then he put Icarus back down. “Dude, seriously.” He rolled his eyes. “My mom’s not my problem.”

“What is?” Jensen heard himself asking before the thought had reached his brain. And the second it was out, he wanted to beat himself for it. So very hard. Because Jared shut down immediately.

“I think you should leave. I’m sure there’s other patients here who need some attention from Icarus.” Jared’s gaze was fixed on the ground again, facing away from Jensen’s direction.

Jensen got up reluctantly. “Yeah…” He didn’t apologize. Jared wouldn’t want to talk about it, so it was best to just ignore it. “Same time tomorrow?” He asked hopefully, but Jared didn’t acknowledge him.

Icarus nudged Jared’s leg once, in a weird goodbye, and then he followed Jensen further down along the pathway. The heavy oaks were blocking the sun at this time of day and Jensen shivered, wishing he’d brought a jacket. He turned around once to find Jared slumped over on the bench, looking just as miserable as the day before. Damn! But he’d get that smile back tomorrow. Jensen would do anything for it.

Jensen had to fight with himself really hard the next day. He wanted to go on over to Silent Oaks as soon as he got up, even though he knew that it was silly. Jared wouldn’t be out yet and Jensen really had to work on his thesis. So he forced down some toast and then sat down in front of his laptop. He was staring at the screen for maybe 30 minutes before he gave up and went to play with Icarus instead, then watched some daytime TV with Icky curled up and asleep in his lap. He absently stroked his fur, his thoughts occupied with Jared.

Jensen wasn’t sure just what it was about that kid, but he intrigued him more than any of the other patients. Maybe it was that smile of his, that so rarely came through. But when it did, it was infectious. Jensen wondered what had broken this kid. It just felt like such a shame.

He grabbed lunch on the way to the hospital and breathed a sigh of relief when he spotted Jared sitting on his bench. Part of him had been afraid he’d driven him off the day before. Jensen was sure Jared had to talk about his problems in therapy all day, he didn’t need that from Jensen as well.

Something was different about him though. Jensen had almost reached him when he realized what it was. Jared was wearing baggy pants and a tee shirt instead of his ratty sweats and bathrobe combo from before. His hair also looked like it might have been combed. But it was hard to tell because it was windy today and Jared’s long mop was all kinds of tussled. He’d definitely washed it though.

Jensen smiled. “Hello, Jared.”

Jared’s face lit up and he leaned forward on the bench, then he seemed to catch himself and toned down his excitement. “Hey.” His smile had dimmed for a second, but it came back as soon as Icarus bundled up to him, yapping and bouncing until Jared scooped him up and hugged him to his chest. “Hey, buddy.”

For a moment, Jensen thought about apologizing for the day before, but then decided it was best to just not bring it up. He sat down on the ground opposite Jared again and just watched him cuddle Icarus.

“Can he do any tricks?” Jared asked when he put him back down.

“You’ve seen him bounce, right?” Jensen smirked. Icky could jump up from the ground to way past Jensen’s waist with one single bounce. He really had no idea where the dog got that strength from, with the tiny legs that he had.

Jared smiled. “Well, yeah.” He cocked his head. “But besides that?”

Jensen frowned, mildly offended. Icarus was a trained P.A.T. dog, for crying out loud! He didn’t need to do any tricks. “No, I guess not.”

“Oh.” Jared’s face fell a little. “So when I throw a stick, he won’t catch it?” Jared reached under the bench to produce a small sized branch. Just large enough for Icarus, but not too heavy. It was cleared off of any small twigs, probably so Icarus wouldn’t get hurt.

Jensen was impressed. “Why don’t you test it out?”

Jared bit his lip, looked at Icarus, then at the branch, then he threw it. Icarus remained firmly seated, looking up at Jared with his big puppy eyes. Jensen couldn’t help it, he cracked up.

“I’m sorry, it’s just…” Jensen clamped his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing too much.

“He’s not that kinda dog, is he?” Jared shook his head, but he was smiling down at Icarus, then he reached and petted him again.

“Nope, sorry.” Jensen wiped at his eyes after he’d calmed down enough. “And you went through all the trouble of puppy proofing that branch.”

Jared looked up, caught. He blushed. “Was nothing.”

“No, man. I really appreciate it.” Jensen smiled. “You care about Icky. And you’re not mad he just majorly failed you.” And they were coming to a point again where Jensen should maybe just shut up. He couldn’t help it though. He always had to analyse. And share.

“Please.” Jared’s smile turned sad again. “How can I be mad when I look at that face.” He cupped Icky’s chin. “Besides, he didn’t fail me. And even if he had, I wouldn’t be mad about it.” The last was spoken in a tiny voice, maybe not meant for Jensen to hear.

“You’re a good person, Jared.” And right now, Jensen wanted nothing more than to get up, sit down next to him and hug him close. His fingers clenched against his thighs. He couldn’t. Shouldn’t.

Jared looked at him, then. And like before, their eyes just met and neither of them looked away for the longest time. It was Jared who broke the moment. “So Icky’s just here to get petted?”

“Isn’t that enough?” Jensen asked back, voice a little edgy. He shouldn’t be offended. It was a valid question. But he thought of all the training and tests they had to undergo before Icarus got approved for the program, and it just stung.

“Oh, yeah, no.” Jared blushed again and he picked Icarus back up. “Sorry. It is.” He petted Icarus’ head. “You’re a great dog, Icky.”

“The best.” Jensen agreed.

Jared smiled at him. “And you are…?”

Jensen clucked his tongue to swallow back a naughty response. “Just the dog walker, basically,” he said instead.

“So you bring Icky to see sick people all day?” Jared frowned.

Again, Jensen had to bite back his initial response, this time about the definition of ‘sick people’. “Nah, he just comes here now, for a few hours. I’ve been to some nursing homes before, a couple months ago.”

Jared nodded. “Ah, now I understand the ‘no barking’ rule.” Icarus had settled in his lap and seemed content to just let Jared pet him. “Can’t give those old folks a heart attack by yapping at them.”

“Yeah, ‘cause they were really scared of my little fur ball here.” Jensen gave him a crooked smile.

“I can totally see that.” Jared raised Icky’s ears and let them flop back down. “Icarus is a beast.”

“Like you wouldn’t even believe.” Jensen raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly.

“Seriously?” Jared smirked.

“Nah, he really is the best.” Jensen shrugged. “Unless you try to bathe him. He transforms into a vicious little devil then, knocking stuff over and making you chase him through each and every room, if you’re dumb enough to forget to close the bathroom door before he smells the dog shampoo.”

Jared laughed - honestly laughed - and all the breath rushed out of Jensen’s lungs. “I’d love to see that one day,” Jared replied, and Jensen was still breathless. Jared. In his bathroom. Bathing Icarus with him.

“I’d love that, too.” They shared a smile, then Jensen realized he’d once again spoken without thinking about it first. But hey, Jared had smiled back. So all was well, right? Should he ask him when he was getting out of here?

Jared ducked his head and scratched the back of his head. “So, you come here every day?” His bangs had fallen in his eyes and Jensen’s fists clenched again. Jensen would not reach out to touch him, adorable as he might be.

“Sadly, no.” It wasn’t always fun and games, and usually once a week was more than enough for Jensen, but now that he knew Jared? Damn, it would suck so much when spring break was over.

“Oh.” Jared’s face fell a little.

“But I’ll be here every day for the next two weeks.” And maybe he could squeeze in some more time after that. He was writing his thesis on this after all. He’d need more material.

“Oh,” Jared repeated, on a cheerier note though. He petted Icarus again.

“So, are you new here?” Jensen asked, to keep the conversation going.

“Uhm, no.” Jared shrugged. “Been here since a month.”

”Oh.” Jensen frowned. “Because I haven’t seen you around.” And he’d have definitely noticed someone like Jared.

“Yeah…” Jared bit his lip. “I haven’t really been, uh, outside much.”

“Ah, I probably always missed you when you were.” Jensen sighed. Damn timing.

“By not much I mean never.” Jared revealed.

“Oh.” Jensen cocked his head. Jared had picked up Icarus again and was cradling him to his chest. “So you just stayed inside?”

Jared nodded. “My bed, mostly.” He was looking away. “When they didn’t make me go to therapy.”

That kind of explained Jared’s appearance two days ago. Jensen swallowed, unsure what to say. Just what had to happen to someone like Jared to make him stay in bed all day? “Well, I’m glad you’re outside now.”

“Me, too.” Jared gave him a shy smile.

Jensen felt like his own smile in response was going to split his face open, but he couldn’t stop. His stomach fluttered at Jared’s confession and he wanted nothing more than to join him on that bench, put down Icky, and then hug Jared instead. And then take him out of here and fix him himself. And Jensen wouldn’t even protest if Jared chose to spend all day in _his_ bed.

Then again, he knew this was serious and he shouldn’t think like that. He couldn’t help it though. Jared just did… things to him. He licked his lips. Jared was watching him.

“Do you think I’m weird?” Jared asked him.

“No.” Jensen didn’t even have to think about it. Jared was intriguing, yes, but definitely not weird. “Why? Do you think you are?”

“For staying in bed all day?” Jared half shrugged, half nodded.

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Please. There’s lots of days when I wish I could just stay in bed and not get up.”

“Yeah.” Jared nibbled on his forefinger. “But you don’t do it. You get up.”

“Yeah, cause otherwise Icky here would jump my bed and piss in it. And he’d probably try eating _me_ if he got no kibble,” Jensen smirked. He’d get up otherwise as well. Probably. But a part of him really got where Jared was coming from.

Jared laughed. “Okay, I see your point.” He buried his hands deep in Icarus’ fur. “Maybe I should get a dog as well.”

“Maybe,” Jensen nodded in encouragement, ignoring that little voice in his head that told him you shouldn’t get a dog if you can’t even take care of yourself. But what did he know about Jared, anyway? And he seemed great with Icarus. Maybe a dog was really all that kid needed.

“I’ve always wanted a dog.” Jared set Icky down on the ground again.

“Well, there you go.” Jensen made a gesture to indicate it was a done deal now. Jared would get out of here, and Jared would get a dog.

“I’d teach him tricks though,” Jared smirked at him.

Jensen gasped. “Hey! My dog is awesome.” Jared’s sarcasm was unexpected, but Jensen liked it. He snatched Icarus for himself and cradled him protectively. “In fact, he’s so awesome, he doesn’t need to do stupid ticks to prove his superiority. It would be beneath him. And I’m not insulting him by making him pick up a stick and bring it back, just so I can throw it again. Icarus is smarter than that.”

Jared chuckled. “Alright, I agree. Icky is the best.” He held up his hands in defeat.

Jensen let go of him, and right on cue, Icky bounced on the spot twice before he jumped up and into Jared’s lap. Jensen shook his head. He’d never seen Icky be this drawn to anybody. Anybody, but himself.

They remained silent for a few minutes, until Jensen decided to push his luck again. “Hey, Jared?”

“Yeah?” Jared cocked his head and looked up from where he was cuddling Icky.

“Why did you stay in bed?” He watched Jared carefully. “I mean, are you hiding from something? Or are you just tired? What?” Maybe someone was harassing him? Threatening him? Maybe something really bad had happened to him. Oh, fuck! Jensen really hoped that wasn’t it. He couldn’t stand the thought of somebody purposefully hurting Jared.

“I…” Jared started, then he stopped again. “I… dunno?” was all he offered at first and Jensen was ready to just drop it, when Jared went on. “It’s just easier, you know? And it’s nice and comfy in my bed.” He looked somewhere past Jensen’s face, his eyes glazing over. “I just like it in there.”

“And the outside is scary?” Jensen prodded.

”Scary?” Jared looked at him, seeming to think it over. “No, not really. Not scary. Just more of… a hassle, you know?”

Jensen nodded, although he didn’t really get it. But Jared needed him to understand and he really wished he could help him.

“And I…” Jared sighed and looked down at the ground. “I just didn’t want anyone to see me like this.”

“Like what?” Jensen frowned. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Jared.”

Jared chuckled bitterly. “I’ve been living in my frigging pyjamas, Jensen. I’m in a mental hospital because I couldn’t get out of bed, because I just failed at life. You know how embarrassing that is?”

“Everybody loses track sometimes, Jared. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Jensen knelt up and touched Jared’s thigh. He just had to reassure him. Icarus stayed quietly in Jared’s lap.

“Not like this.” Jared shook his head. He refused to meet Jensen’s inquiring glance, but he also didn’t shake off Jensen’s touch.

“No, maybe not.” Jensen squeezed Jared’s thigh. “There’s worse cases out there. Trust me. A lot worse.”

Jared looked at him after that, a sad smile on his face. “But there’s also tons of normal people. Not freaks like me.”

Jensen scoffed. “Fuck it. Normal’s boring. And you’re not a freak.”

“I’m fucking hospitalised, Jensen.” Jared’s face hardened and he moved on the bench until Jensen’s hand fell off.

“Admitting you need help doesn’t make you a freak. Far from it, Jared.” Jensen didn’t try to touch him again. Instead he reached for Icky when Jared pushed him off his lap as well.

Jared didn’t say anything for a while, then he sighed heavily. “I think I’m tired now.”

“Oh.” Jensen could take a hint when he got one this obvious. “Alright, I should go up to the chess tables anyway. See if I can beat Lauren today.” He got up and brushed some dirt off his jeans. “See you tomorrow?”

Jensen didn’t really expect an answer, but Jared surprised him. “Probably.”

It might have sounded non-committal and dull, but Jensen knew Jared would be here waiting for him, on the very same bench, tomorrow. It kept him grinning all the way over to the chess tables. And he was still grinning on his way home after a long, surprisingly exhausting day at Silent Oaks.

Even though it was tempting, Jensen resisted doing any research on what might be Jared’s condition because he didn’t want to be influenced by it. He wanted to listen to Jared. Let him talk. Find out just what was bothering him. If Jensen was sure of one thing, it was that each person was different and everybody had their own, unique problems.

Sure, he acknowledged that there were some pretty good casebook cases, and some patients shared nine out of ten traits associated with their diagnosed conditions, but the difference remained. And you could easily fuck someone up by just assuming he was the very same as the last ten people you treated. Jensen would be damned before he became like that.

So instead of looking it up, he looked forward to talking to Jared again. Even if they’d end up just talking about the weather. He almost skipped lunch in order to get there early, then remembered that they had strict lunch times at Silent Oaks, so Jared wouldn’t be outside waiting for him if he popped in early.

The thought made him realize just how pathetic he’d gotten. Three days. He’d known Jared for three days. He didn’t even know if he was gay or straight. He was in a psychiatric hospital, for fuck’s sake. Jensen should be working to help him get better. Which, yes, he was. But he wanted him to get better and get out of there, so that they could hang out and get to know each other better. Much better, if Jensen got a say in it.

“What did you do to me, Icky?” Jensen asked, looking down at his dog before they entered the gates of Silent Oaks that afternoon. Icarus just yipped at him in response, but Jensen could swear he was smirking. His dog. Smirking at him. Maybe he should check himself in, while he was already here. He could spend more time with Jared…

Jensen rolled his eyes and grinned at his own foolishness. The grin considerably widened when he spotted Jared sitting upright on the bench, waiting for him. Of course he slumped over as soon as he saw them, but he couldn’t fool Jensen. Jared was looking forward to this just as much as he was.

“Hey there, Jared.”

“Jensen.” Jared nodded. “Icky.” Then he grinned and reached into his pockets. Jensen noticed he was wearing the same baggy pants from the day before, but a fresh shirt. Simple, black. But it looked really good on Jared.

Jensen was so distracted that he didn’t even realize Jared was feeding his dog before Icky was chomping happily on his treat. He blinked. “You got doggy treats?”

“Yeah.” Jared’s happy smile faltered a little. “Uhm, hey, it’s okay, right? Shit, sorry!” he wiped his hands on his pants nervously. “I should have asked you first.”

“What? No.” Jensen waved it off. “That’s fine.” Because it was Jared and, strange as it was, Jensen trusted him not to feed his dog something dangerous. In fact, he felt a pang of guilt that he hadn’t brought Jared some treats to feed to Icky himself.

“Oh. Okay then.” Jared scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’ve actually got some more.”

Jensen chuckled. “How the hell did you get doggie treats? Oh, please don’t tell me someone’s actually snacking on them in here?”

“No,” Jared shook his head. “Uhm, that is, not that I know of. Got them from Rob.”

“The poet?” Jensen cocked his head.

“Yeah.” Jared fed Icky another treat. This time he held it up high and made Icky jump for it. “He’s kind of the go-to guy for, uhm, stuff.”

“I don’t think I want to know.” He might feel compelled to report him to Eric, and Jensen liked Rob. He was usually hanging around outside somewhere, writing poetry. Apparently he used to be a hip, upcoming musician, but then he had some sort of meltdown at a concert. Something about a girl and her eating his heart. And strawberry pop tarts.

Jensen didn’t quite get the poems that Rob showed him. ‘Lyrics’, he called them, but everybody in here tried to encourage him to just publish them as poems instead of going back on stage.

And apparently, Rob was also versatile in trading goods. Jensen raised his eyebrow. “Hey, what did you have to give him for those treats?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Jared smirked.

“Try me.”

“My old bathrobe. That’s all he wanted,” Jared shrugged and leaned down to pick up Icarus.

“Okay, that’s… weird.” Jensen frowned. Rob wouldn’t use it for pervy stuff, would he? He’d always seemed pretty harmless.

Jared shrugged again. “Fair trade. Or, well, maybe not so much on his part.” Jared petted Icarus enthusiastically, then he grinned when Icarus barked happily. “I didn’t need it anymore but now I can make your dog fall in love with me.” He winked.

Jensen was taken aback. Was this the same kid who wouldn’t even talk to him just a few days ago? And now he was mocking him? And maybe even flirting? “I don’t think you need doggie treats for that, Jared.” Jensen flopped down on the ground. “Icarus was pretty enamored with you right from the get-go.”

Jared’s grin widened. “You think so?”

“I know so,” Jensen grinned back. “Trust me. I know my dog.” And he also knew how easy it was to fall in love with Jared – in a purely platonic way, of course.

Jared continued to play with Icarus and Jensen was content to just watch them for a while. “You know,” Jared started, “I get it, I think. Why this works.”

“What works?” Jensen raised an eyebrow.

“Therapy pets. It feels good to be loved.” Jared hugged Icarus close to his chest. “Even if it’s just a dog, there’s someone out there who likes you. Still likes you. Even after you’ve fucked up.”

Jensen swallowed hard. “I’m sure there’s more people who love you no matter what.”

Jared made a face. “No, not really.”

“What about your parents?” Jensen wouldn’t have brought them up, but Jared had said yesterday that his mother wasn’t a problem, so it should be okay to talk about them.

Jared shrugged dismissively. “They don’t count. They’ve been genetically programmed to love me. Besides, I’m pretty sure they’d be damn disappointed in me right now.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Jensen sat up straighter, moving closer to Jared. “They’re your parents. They should be proud of you no matter what.”

“Yes, that’s the thing.” Jared sighed. “That’s why their opinions don’t really count.”

Jensen raised his eyebrow, pretty sure that Jared was lying to himself right now, but he wouldn’t call him on to it. “So what about your friends then?”

Jared looked away. “No.”

No, he didn’t want to talk about it, or no, he didn’t have any? Jensen bit his lip. He really wanted to ask, but he shouldn’t push. “True friends would understand.”

“I guess.” Jared smiled sadly.

So no friends, it was. No real friends, anyway. Hard to believe with someone as easy to get on with as Jared. Jensen looked away, unsure on how to proceed.

“I always thought I had great friends,” Jared continued on his own. “The best.”

Jensen met his gaze and they shared a small smile.

“In high school, we were always hanging out together. Having fun, talking, just being around each other.” Jared closed his eyes. “But then everybody moved away for college, myself included, and I guess it’s really true what they say. Out of sight, out of mind.”

Jensen nodded. Okay, yeah. He didn’t really have any contact with any of his old friends either. It was a nice thought, to be best friends for ever, but reality usually came crashing down on you, especially at college. So much to do, so much to learn. So many new faces.

“I, uh… I kinda tried to keep in contact though. To talk to them,” Jared explained.

“What happened?”

“They didn’t take me seriously. Same as everyone I met at college.” Jared shook his head. “They just thought I was joking when I told them that I was having problems and struggling.”

“Wow,” Jensen didn’t know what to say. “That sucks!”

“Yeah,” Jared sighed. “My own fault though, I guess.”

“I really doubt that,” Jensen replied, raising an eyebrow.

“No, really. High school always came easy for me. Everything always came easy for me.” Jared’s hands were buried deep in Icarus’ fur. “Friends, sports, girls. Everybody liked me.”

“So then, what happened?” Jensen found it hard to see how this was the same guy who couldn’t get out of bed.

“I dunno. Life?” Jared shrugged. “Real life?”

Jensen nodded in acknowledgement.

“It all just went so fast. Suddenly everybody around me knew where they wanted to go to college, who they wanted to be in ten years. Where they wanted to be. Professions, life plans, everything.” Jared shook his head.

“But you didn’t?” Jensen guessed.

Jared shook his head. “I never thought about it. And when I tried to, I came up blank. I knew a few things I _didn’t_ want to do, but I just had no idea what I wanted to do instead.”

“And nobody could help you figure it out.” It wasn’t really a question.

“No,” Jared sighed. “Whenever I tried to tell them, they just cut me off. ‘Oh Jared, you’ll make your way.’ Or ‘Oh, Jared, there’s a great future ahead of you.’ Yes. Thank you.” He rolled his eyes again. “That really helped.”

“Hey, they were just supportive.” Jensen was close enough so that he could pat Jared’s knee. Which he did. Twice. “And I’m sure they meant what they said.”

Jared snorted. “But it didn’t help.” His gaze wandered off again. “It actually just made it harder.”

“How?” Jensen asked.

“Failing. It felt like I wasn’t only failing me, I was failing all of them, too. In their perception of me.” Jared had stopped petting Icarus. “And on the other hand, I didn’t care. They obviously don’t really know me, nor do they care. So why should I care? Why should I care what any of them thinks?”

“You shouldn’t.” Jensen squeezed his thigh this time.

“Right?” Jared looked at him. “So who cares if I go out and study, or if I just stay in bed and sleep? The only person I could disappoint was myself, and I just _didn’t_ care anymore.”

“Except you did care?” Jensen guessed.

“Kinda. Not about college. But I just didn’t want to spend my life in the bedroom.” Jared smirked, but it looked fake. “Not alone, at any rate.”

Jensen nodded. Yeah. He got that.

“And it didn’t make anything better. I just kept feeling worse.” Icarus started licking Jared’s hand, bringing a smile out on his face. “But the longer I waited, the harder it was to get back up and face people, other than my pizza delivery guy.”

“But eventually you broke the circle,” Jensen encouraged.

“Yeah.” Jared shrugged. “I mean, I had the internet. I did some research. Then I checked myself in here.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, Jared.” Jensen squeezed his thigh once again and this time, he didn’t remove his hand.

Jared let out a short laugh. “You’re proud?”

“Yeah,” Jensen made sure he had his gaze. “You realized you needed help and you went and got it. It takes a lot of balls to do that.”

Jared ducked his head, but he couldn’t hide his smile. “Thank you. I guess.”

Jensen nodded and patted his knee, then he took his hand away. Much as he wanted to keep touching Jared, it felt inappropriate. Jared had started petting Icarus again, but he kept avoiding Jensen’s glance. It was time to switch the topic. “Wanna see how high you can make Icky jump for those biscuits?”

“Definitely!” Jared’s happy grin was back instantly and he shooed Icarus off his lap before he got up and pulled another treat out of his pocket.

They spend a lot of time just playing with Icarus after that. Poor Icky was frustrated when Jared was up to his full height, since he had trouble reaching his hand. But he got a lot of doggie treats out of it, so Jensen was sure his dog was happy. Jensen also showed Jared how to get Icarus to spin on himself and roll over and in the end, Icarus was so exhausted, they didn’t even really need to tell him to play dead. He just collapsed on the grass next to the bench and refused to get back up.

Jensen petted Icky’s head, then got a water bottle out of his bag and fed him some from his hand. Icarus lapped it up gratefully. “Well, alright.” Jensen smiled up at Jared. “You’ve officially worn out my dog. And if you know Icky, you know that that task is almost impossible.”

Jared grinned and flopped down on the bench. He was breathing harshly as well, since they had also spent some time running around with Icarus chasing them.

“You want some water, Jared?” Jensen asked him, slightly concerned. It was clear that Jared really had spent a lot of time in his bed lately - he was pretty out of shape. But he was still muscular, so apparently he used to work out a lot. Before.

“Do I have to lap it out of your hand?” Jared’s eyebrow was raised, but he was grinning as he said it.

Once again, Jensen was stumped by how flirty Jared was, so he just handed him the bottle. Jared’s face fell a little and Jensen bit his lip. “Maybe next time.” Jared smiled at him, and Jensen decided, what the hell? “If you’re good,” he added with a wink.

That made Jared laugh. “You want me to fetch a stick for you? ‘Cause I’ll do it. I’m better than Icky.”

“Insulting my dog again, are you?” Jensen scolded him. “That’s sure getting you places.”

Jared just kept grinning and finished off the water. Jensen watched his throat muscles work, and fuck, yes. This _was_ getting him places.

Jensen swallowed and got up from the crouch he was in, ready to sit back down on his usual spot on the grass. But Jared scooted over on the bench meaningfully and Jensen took the hint and sat down next to him instead.

Icarus was still panting and flat on the ground. Jared watched him, cocking his head. “Hey, we didn’t wear him out too much, right? He’s gonna be okay?”

Jensen smiled at the honest concern he could hear in Jared’s voice. That boy was making his heart jump all over the place. “Don’t worry. He’ll be up and running around again in five minutes. The Energizer bunny in that commercial was modelled after him.”

“So he keeps you pretty occupied?” Jared asked.

“Pretty much, yeah.” Jensen smiled fondly down at his dog. It was never overwhelming though. Icarus was just fun to have around.

“So, uh…” Jared ducked his head. “Is it just you taking care of him, or do you have help?”

“Well, sometimes when I have classes all day, I drop him off at a neighbor’s, but...” Jensen stopped, realizing just what Jared had been asking him. “It’s really just me. Me and Icarus.” Alone. Single. Available.

“Cool.” Jared’s smile was shy and he scratched his neck. Then, suddenly, he froze. “Shit, what time is it?”

Jensen checked his watch and blinked. “It’s just past 4.” So much for spending some time with the others. He’d have to leave soon.

“Fuck! I’m missing group therapy. I have to go.” Jared sighed and got up. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Definitely.” Jensen beamed.

“Bye, Icky.” Jared petted his head and then he headed off towards the main building. Jensen watched him go, still smiling, then he leaned down to put the leash back on Icarus.

“Ready to go, Icky?” But Icarus just looked up at him pitifully, not making any move to get up, until Jensen caved. “Alright, but only till we’re through the gates. Then you gotta walk.” He picked Icarus up and cradled him in his arms. The one good thing about having a girly dog – besides Icky being plain awesome – was that they were easy to lift and carry around.

Once back on the street, Icarus continued to give Jensen that look, so he carried him one more block before he finally put him back down and forced him to walk on his own again. “Don’t get used to it. I’m only doing this because you made Jared smile.”

Jensen tugged on the leash until Icky gave up and walked home with him. Jensen should be worrying about his thesis right now, but he just couldn’t stop thinking about Jared. He couldn’t wait until tomorrow.

The next day, Jensen cooked. He’d promised his mom he’d have at least one home-cooked meal a week and she had insisted on teaching him all the fast and easy single recipes she knew. Plus, it kept him occupied so that he didn’t obsess about Jared too much.

Although he might have fed Icarus even more scraps of chicken than usual when he was making his stir-fry, just because he was so grateful that he’d dragged him to the bench. Along with Jared’s doggie treats, Jensen would have to watch out not to let him get too fat. They had to keep him running again today. It would be good for Jared as well.

This time, when Jensen arrived at Silent Oaks, Jared was not only actively waiting for him, he waved when he spotted them. Jensen waved back happily. Jared got up to greet him and they spent the next hour playing catch with Icarus.

When they arrived back at the bench, Icarus went straight for the bowl of water Jared must have put out for him. Jensen blinked, once again amazed at Jared’s consideration. It even extended to two water bottles hidden behind the bench for the both of them, as he found out only seconds later, when Jared reached for them.

Jensen accepted one wordlessly and sat down on the bench next to Jared. They spent a moment in silence, just drinking and calming back down. Relative silence, since Icarus was slurping his water down noisily.

“So,” Jared started. “What do you do, anyways? Besides being Icarus’ dog walker.”

They’d been too busy running around to really talk until now, and Jensen was glad Jared was starting up a real conversation. “Well, it’s spring break now, but usually I’m working on my masters degree.”

“Cool.” Jared nodded. “What subject?”

Jensen swallowed. Damn, he’d hoped to avoid this. People always got weird when he told them, and he could only imagine it was worse for someone in a mental hospital. “Psychology.”

Jensen was right. Jared froze right up and moved a few inches away from him. “Wait, what?” Jared’s eyes widened. “I thought you were just volunteering here with your dog. But you do this for a living? Do you work here?”

“What? No!” Jensen held up his hands. “They just give me visitation rights.”

Jared continued to look doubtful and Jensen could see him withdrawing,

“Honestly, Jared. I don’t answer to them. Whatever you tell me stays between us. I’m not secretly updating them with status reports or anything.” Jensen tried to give him an encouraging smile.

“But you talk about me?” Jared crossed his arms in front of his chest protectively.

“No!” Jensen shook his head. “No, really. I last saw Eric two weeks ago, and that was just because he happened to walk by when I was at the chess tables. We barely even said hello.”

“Eric?” Jared frowned. “Oh, wait. Dr. Kripke.” He nodded and passed a hand through his hair. “What about everyone else?”

Jensen shook his head again. “I don’t even know any of your therapists. Frankly, I think they avoid me on purpose because they think what I’m doing with Icky is bullshit.”

“So you’re not secretly recording every single thing I say or do?” Jared sounded doubtful.

“Fuck, no!” Jensen was getting frustrated. Maybe he should have just lied. Math would have been a really great subject to mention to get people to switch the topic. Why didn’t he say he majored in Mathematics? “Seriously, Jared. You’re my friend. When we talk, I’m your friend who listens. Nothing else.”

“You’re not psycho-analysing me?” Jared raised an eyebrow.

Jensen smirked. “Nah. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.“ Jared suddenly looked offended and Jensen blinked. “Oh, no! I don’t mean you’re too screwed up or anything. I mean I’m not qualified for it. I’m not a trained therapist.”

Jared had turned his back on him and was petting Icarus, completely ignoring Jensen.

Jensen gave him a couple of minutes, then he cleared his throat. “So, uh…” But he didn’t have time to think of a good way to save their conversation because Jared interrupted him.

“Listen, Jensen.” Jared stood up. “I need some time to think about this before I can talk to you again.” He looked away. “If I can talk to you again.”

All the breath whooshed out of Jensen’s lungs and he felt like he was suffocating, lying under a huge rock that was crushing his ribcage and breaking his heart.

“I just need time.” Jared shook his head and turned around, striding away from him before Jensen could get over his shock.

He looked down at Icarus, who cocked his head before he nudged Jensen’s leg until Jensen picked him up. “Why didn’t I say Math?” he asked him. Once in his lap, Icarus curled up and licked his hand. Jensen petted him gently with his other hand. “Alright, time to go.” With a sigh, Jensen got up and carried Icky out of Silent Oaks and all the way back home. He couldn’t face anyone else today. He felt utterly depleted. And he’d never thought he’d be able to hate his Masters this much.

 

The next day, Jensen didn’t eat. He couldn’t. It was so damn silly. He’d known Jared for what now? Three days? Four? And already he was having such an impact on Jensen’s life. What was it about this boy? All he knew was that he’d gladly drop his Masters if it meant Jared would trust him again. How stupid was that? His advisor would beat him with a stick if he knew about this.

Even though he’d saved time by not eating, he moped around on the couch with Icarus whining at him for so long, that Jensen was late for his visit to Silent Oaks. He wasn’t sure what he was dreading more. Not seeing Jared at all, or seeing him and have him walk away again. No, he knew. Not seeing him would definitely be worse.

It took him ten minutes of staring at it before he was able to pass the gate and walk up to their usual bench. He was in luck. Jared was sitting there, waiting for him. Jensen smiled in relief but Jared didn’t smile back.

“Jared.” Jensen stopped a few feet in front of him. “I’m glad you’re here again.”

“Yeah…” Jared shrugged.

“So, does that mean you’ll want to spend some time with me again?” Icarus chose that moment to yip and Jensen bit his lip. “Uhm, Icarus and me, I mean. Or maybe just Icky and I’ll watch?” Oh god, that didn’t sound creepy at all.

It brought a small smile to Jared’s face though and he nodded. Jensen unleashed Icarus and the dog ran up to Jared right away, who picked him up and cuddled him enthusiastically. Jensen kept his distance but after a few minutes, Jared scooted to the edge of the bench, making room for him. So Jensen joined him.

“Icarus was really confused when you left yesterday. And he was missing you all morning.” Jensen bit the inside of his cheek. Oh fuck, he did not just say that!

Jared blinked and looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “Oh, he did, huh?” He looked at Icarus. “Did you miss me, Icky? Did you? Did you?” Icarus yapped and licked Jared’s fingers. Jared laughed and continued to pet him. Then, in a small voice, he added, “I’ve missed you, too.”

Jensen had to hold on to himself to not just reach over and hug him. Hug both of them, Jared and Icarus. He really wanted to say more, but he was afraid to spoil it again.

They spent a while in silence, until Jared finally looked at him. “Did you mean it? What you said?”

Jensen frowned, wondering just what he was referring to, then he realized that it didn’t matter. “Yes. Everything.”

“You said you’re just my friend,” Jared reminded him.

“I am.” Jensen nudged him.

“But you don’t even know me,” Jared frowned.

“I feel like I do,” Jensen shrugged. “But I’m always happy to find out more.”

Jared snorted. “Yeah, thing is, Jensen, you still know way more about me than I know about you. So if you want to be my friend, you need to do some talking today.”

Jensen blinked, taken aback. Yeah. Yeah, he really should. “You’re right.” He crossed his legs so he could face Jared better. “What do you want to know?”

“Why psychology?” Jared went straight for the sore topic.

Jensen cringed, but okay. Better to get this over and done with now. “I dunno, really. It’s just always been psychology.” He shrugged. “I’ve always been the guy everyone went to when they had a problem. And I liked helping. I read all these articles, then later books, and found them fascinating. And thankfully I was always good at math.”

“Math?” Jared frowned.

“Yes, you wouldn’t believe how damn much math they make you do.” He rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t really make much sense, but whatever.”

“Must be nice, though,” Jared smiled.

“What? Doing so much Math?” Jensen stared at him.

“Knowing what you want to do, who you want to be, and then you can just do it.” Jared’s smile had died.

“It’s not all that smooth.” Jensen passed a hand through his hair. “I don’t really know just what I want to do with it. I don’t want to become a therapist. And I don’t want to see thirty people a day and start stereotyping them. Which I think you’ll ultimately end up doing, before you go crazy yourself.”

Jared was patiently listening.

“I mean, strangers coming in and out of your office all day, everybody tells you their problems, and you want to care for each and every single one of them? You want to help and treat them individually, but it just won’t work, you can’t even think about someone because the next person is already on your doorstep with a whole new set of problems.” Jensen shook his head. “I’d either never sleep anymore, or the guilt would eat me up.” He looked at Jared. “You know, I’ve actually never really told anyone that.”

Jared smiled. “So what do you want to do instead?”

“I… I’m not sure,” Jensen hedged.

“But you have an idea?” Jared prompted.

“Research.” Jensen’s gaze fell on Icarus. “Not drug trials or such, but just, I want to come up with something and then test it out. Kind of like what I’m doing right now.”

Jared froze. “Right now?”

”With Icarus,” Jensen quickly explained. “You know, proving that he can be a P.A.T. dog, expanding the program to psychiatric patients and seeing how it works out. Then I can focus on a few individuals and really invest my time.”

Jared looked down at the ground. “So you _are_ studying me?”

“No!” Jensen shook his head. Dammit! “It’s not like…” He frowned. “Okay, maybe to a certain extend. It’s not you, though. It’s how you are with Icky. Or more how he is with you. You and the others.” Jensen gestured towards the chess tables. “Mostly the others.”

“That’s why you’re spending so much time with me?” Jared raised his eyebrow.

Jensen was stumped. The he shook his head again. “I’ve been coming here for months, Jared. I have my data. I’ve been spending so much time with you because I want to.”

”But why?” Jared asked, sounding frustrated.

“Why?” Jensen frowned.

“Why do you want to spend time with me?” Jared looked away again.

“Are you serious?” Jensen was baffled. “Why wouldn’t I want to spend time with you? Why wouldn’t anybody want to spend time with you? You’re awesome.” _Adorable_ had been the first word in his head, but he didn’t think that that would have gone down very well.

“You just find me fascinating. You want to study me,” Jared glared at him.

“No… well, yes.” Jensen touched his knee. “I find you fascinating. But you’re not my case study. I just… find you fascinating.”

”But you want something,” Jared prodded, still not convinced. “Everybody always wants something.”

“I can’t just want to be your friend?” Jensen asked.

“No.” Jared shook his head. “Since I’ve been in this damn city, everybody who wanted to be my ‘friend’…” Jared made air quotes. “Just wanted to copy my notes or get me to help them with their homework, or they needed money, or they just…” He trailed off and looked away again. “Just wanted sex.”

Jensen felt punched in the gut. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want sex with Jared. Somewhere down the line. It had crossed his mind more than once. But… but that wasn’t _all_ there was. “I promise you, Jared. I just want to be your friend. No strings attached.”

Jared slowly turned to face him again, then his mouth opened. “Wh…”

Jensen knew what he was gonna ask. “Because I like talking to you. Because I _can_ talk to you.” Jensen touched Jared’s shoulder. “I mean, don’t you feel it? The connection?” Maybe he wasn’t making much sense right now, but he hoped Jared would get it.

Jared hedged, then he shrugged. “Okay, yes.” He nodded. “It’s why I came back today. I don’t want to trust you and I don’t know if I can, but I do.” He bit his lip. “In a way.”

Jensen smiled. “That’s all I can ask for.”

Jared’s lips quirked up and he looked away. “It’s uh… it’s not like I don’t want sex though. I just don’t want to be used for it, you know?”

Jensen frowned. He didn’t expect Jared to elaborate. “Yeah, I think I do.” He cocked his head. “You don’t want to be one of those friends with benefits, since it will always just be the benefits. There’s no other reason they come around.” Jensen’s had friendships like that. And even though he was a guy, and this was apparently expected of him – or so Joanna had told him once – it was just really not his thing.

“You, too?” Jared asked, looking surprised.

“Hey, guys as good-looking as us?” Jensen waved his hand back and forth between them. “Guess you can’t blame them for trying.”

Jared blinked. “You think I’m good looking?”

“Oh, what? You don’t?” Jensen raised his eyebrow.

“No, okay…” Jared squirmed. “Yeah, I know I kinda look okay. But…” He trailed off.

Jensen smirked and reached over to finally tug on one of those loose stands of hair that kept falling into Jared’s eyes. “Your hair’s cute. Although it hides your eyes, which is kind of a shame. Your grin is blinding, and those dimples are just killer.” He refrained from reaching out to touch those as well.

Jared flushed and he’d turned to look down at the ground, but Jensen could see him smile. “I like your eyes, Jensen. They crinkle when you smile.”

Jensen touched the skin next to his eyes self-consciously. “God, yes. I’m starting to get wrinkles already.”

“No.” Jared looked back up. “It’s adorable.”

Now it was Jensen’s turn to flush. And suddenly, he was out of words. He wanted nothing more than to reach over and touch Jared some more, or better yet, kiss him. But Jared was only just trusting him again, what if Jensen was misreading the signs? He didn’t want Jared to run and leave again. He sighed. “So, ready for some run and hide with Icky?”

Jared smiled and nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Well, alright then.” Jensen got up first and for the next half hour, they ran around their little corner of the garden, trying to tag the other. Somehow, Icarus gave up trying to catch up with them halfway through, but neither of them seemed to notice. When they were out of breath, they fell onto the bench and shared Jensen’s bottle of water.

“I should have brought some again, I’m sorry,” Jared apologized, then he looked down at Icarus, who didn’t have his bowl either. But he didn’t seem to mind. Probably because he’d been lying in his spot in the shade for the past twenty minutes.

“That’s fine,” Jensen assured him.

“I wasn’t, uhm, sure how today would…” Jared trailed off.

Jensen nodded. “Yeah.” He got it. And he was damn happy it had turned out the way it did. Although his legs were starting to hurt a bit right now. Probably from all the short stops. They just needed a proper place if they continued to be active. More space. Suddenly, he had an idea. “Hey, are you allowed to leave the hospital for an hour or so?” He knew Jared had checked himself in, but you never knew.

Jared tensed up. “Yes… Why?”

“I was just thinking, maybe you’d want to come join me for a run tomorrow. You know, uh, if you wanted to… built up more muscles again and all.” Jensen scratched his neck.

“I dunno,” Jared hesitated. “Where would we go?”

“Oh, there’s this small park I know. It’s really quiet there, there’s hardly ever anybody else around.” Okay, thinking about this, maybe he was sounding like a creepy stalker again, wanting to get Jared alone. Then again… yes. He did want Jared alone.

But just as Jensen considered amending his statement, Jared’s face lit up. “Oh. Yeah. That sounds nice, actually.”

Jensen raised his eyebrow. “Not really up to facing crowds just yet?”

Jared flinched and bit his lip. Jensen wanted to smack himself.

Jensen quickly rambled on. “That’s cool. It’s the main reason why I run there. I like to be on my own. Get some peace and quiet.” And he didn’t have to worry about tripping over other people’s dogs, or getting hit on every time he stopped to stretch.

Jared picked up Icarus and petted him. “Is he coming, too?”

“Uhm, no.” Jensen reached over to pet a spot of fur that Jared wasn’t currently occupying. “That’s the thing about small dogs. Small legs. You can’t really take them running.”

Jared smiled. “Yeah, okay.”

“But we could still take him and just take it slower.” Jared was out of shape, after all. Maybe it would be a good idea not to push him too much.

“No,” Jared shook his head. “If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do it right.”

“So, are we?” Jensen pulled back from Icarus hopefully.

“Alright, yeah. Why not?” Jared shrugged. “I’ll ask Katie first, but there shouldn’t be a problem.”

Jensen smiled. “So what time can I pick you up tomorrow?”

Jared cocked his head. “How about eight?”

“A.M.?” Jensen stared at him.

“Yes?” Jared frowned. “Why? When do you usually run?”

”Afternoon,” Jensen shrugged. Late afternoon. So that it was already dark by the time he got back. “But eight sounds great.” He lied. Running with Jared sounded great, though, and he’d take it any way he got it. He’d get up at six, if need be.

Jared smirked. “You like sleeping in, I take it?”

“Well, yeah. Who doesn’t?” Jensen replied.

“Me. I like to get up bright and early.” Jared grinned enthusiastically, then suddenly his face fell completely. “Uhm. I used to, anyway.” He hugged Icarus closer.

Jensen gently clasped Jared’s shoulder. “You know, that‘s the most unhealthy thing you’ve told me so far.” He faked disgust. “Bright and early. Seriously, Jared. That’s not normal.”

Jared stared at him, then his grin was back. “Deal with it.”

“If I have to,” Jensen sighed, pulling his hand back and shaking his head. But fuck was he glad his strategy had worked and Jared had snapped back out of his gloom.

“You do have to, if you want to go running with me.” Jared nudged him.

“Eight A.M. it is.” He squeezed Jared’s thigh and left his hand lying there. Jared looked at it for a moment, then he relaxed and they both just leaned back and sat there in comfortable silence.

“I guess I should go.” Jared sighed. “Group therapy is gonna start soon. Can’t be late again. Especially if I want special privileges tomorrow.”

“Alright.” Jensen pulled his hand back reluctantly. He instantly felt cold and he was already missing Jared even though he wasn’t actually gone yet. This was going to end badly for him, wasn’t it? He picked Icarus up from Jared’s lap.

Jared stood up. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bright and early.” Jensen winked.

Jared smiled one of his most dazzling smiles in response, then he turned to go. Jensen stayed on the bench for a few more minutes, before he decided to hit the chess tables before he left. Not everyone was in Jared’s therapy group and Jensen still needed a little more inspiration for his thesis.

He ended up running into Eric.

“Jensen!” The short man greeted him enthusiastically. “So good to catch you.”

Jensen shook his hand. “Eric. Hey.” Eric might run this place, but he was anything but cold and detached. Jensen really liked the guy.

“You got a minute?” Eric was already pulling him aside.

“Uh, sure.” Jensen checked his watch out of habit, but he didn’t have anywhere else to be.

“My office?” Eric asked and Jensen nodded.

This was weird though. What could Eric want with him? He hadn’t done anything wrong, had he? Jensen picked up Icarus and followed Eric to his office. Once they were inside, Jensen politely declined coffee. “Something wrong?” Jensen asked, cutting right to the case.

“Oh, no!” Eric sat down behind his desk after pouring himself a mug of coffee. “On the contrary.” Jensen raised his eyebrow. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Jared lately, I hear?”

“Uh, yes.” Oh god, this wasn’t going to be a lecture about boundaries, was it?

“Don’t worry, Jensen. I think it’s great.” Eric smiled at him, obviously reading his body language. “He’s made significant progress thanks to you.”

“He has?” Jensen perked up.

“Oh, yes. You know how much we had to coax him just to get him outside a few days ago?” Eric asked. “And then next day he goes on his own, then he actually gets dressed and suddenly he can’t wait to go to the gardens. We were wondering why.”

Jensen shrugged awkwardly. “Uhm. He really seems to like Icarus.”

Eric cocked his eyebrow. “I can’t talk about what Jared says in therapy, but I can tell you that whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Keep it up.”

Jensen petted his dog. “See? Icarus is great.”

“He seems to be.” Eric took a sip of his coffee. “You know, Jensen, you should really center your thesis around Jared.”

“What?” Jensen frowned.

“He’s a prime example of what you’re going for. A few days ago, we could barely get him to talk to us, even in his single sessions, and now he actively applies himself in group therapy. Offers helpful suggestions for others, even.” Eric folded his hands.

“He does?” Jensen couldn’t help but be proud of Jared.

“So whatever your wonder dog does, it’s working.” Eric smiled at Icarus.

Jensen scratched Icarus’ neck. “You hear that? Good boy!” Icky looked up at him, but he didn’t make a noise. Yes, Icarus was an awesome dog. He knew how to behave in the boss’s office.

“You’re gonna make a great therapist one day, Jensen.” Eric nodded encouragingly.

“Because I trained Icarus?” Jensen frowned. Not that he didn’t appreciate the praise, but he felt like he didn’t really deserve it.

Eric rolled his eyes. “You know, you can say what you want, but it’s you who’s talking to Jared. Not your dog.”

“Yeah, but it’s Icarus who gets people to open up in the first place. I’m replaceable. Icarus isn’t.” He was just the dog walker.

“Whatever you tell yourself.” Eric got up and Jensen followed his cue. “But you have a bright future ahead of you, Jensen. I’m glad you’re starting it here.”

Jensen bit his lip. He wasn’t actually working at Silent Oaks. They just gave him the opportunity to work on his case studies for his thesis. And Jared wasn’t part of it. “Thank you, Eric. I appreciate your confidence.”

“You earned it.” Eric reached out to shake Jensen’s hand warmly. “I hope we won’t lose touch after your thesis is completed.”

“Yeah.” Jensen cocked his head. In a way, it was good to have someone like Eric on his side. A letter of recommendation from him would go a long way. But Jensen just still had no idea where he’d end up when he was done. He’d never imagined it would be Silent Oaks. “I better get going to work on that, now.”

“You do that.” Eric let go of his hand. “Good luck.”

Jensen nodded his thanks and then left the office, heading for home. He had a lot to think about. Jared. It pleased him, that he was obviously making such tremendous progress that even Eric took notice, but it was really all Jared himself. Or maybe Icarus helped. But Jensen couldn’t take any credit. Jensen was the idiot who kept screwing it up, who pushed too fast, who talked without thinking first. Jared was making his progress despite that, not because of it. Eric was wrong.

He had a point about including Jared in his thesis though. If he really had made such progress thanks to Icarus, Jensen had to document it. He’d obscure it, of course. Write it as non-descript as possible. And he’d only write a short section. Basically what Eric just told him. Nothing more. Because Jared wasn’t his study object. Jared was becoming his friend. And maybe, hopefully, even more than that. The time he spent with him had nothing to do with his thesis.

So that night, Jensen sat down to plan. He was just going to make a quick note, but then he ended up writing three pages about this reclusive patient, and how Icarus helped open him up, and how in only a few short days he’d showed such tremendous progress.

When he was done, Jensen hesitated over his keyboard. He hadn’t managed this much work in days. And after looking it over, he had to admit that it was good. That Eric was right and it fitted and really helped Jensen get his point across. Jensen couldn’t help feeling that he should just delete it, though. This wasn’t what his friendship with Jared was about. He was not the means to Jensen getting a good grade. He was just… Jared.

Jensen frowned, then he saved the document and turned off his laptop. Jared was someone who would never, ever read his thesis. In fact, Jensen might never see him again after he’d finished at Silent Oaks. His thesis, on the other hand, would determine his course for life. He’d be crazy if he let his sudden, uncalled-for feelings ruin it.

One glance at the clock above his desk made him flinch. It was 1.30 A.M. already. He had to get up for Jared in something under six hours. Jensen groaned. “Bright and early, my ass,” he muttered before he dragged himself into bed to catch as much sleep as possible. Only for Jared, he thought. Only Jared could make him get up on time the next day.

Jensen was five minutes late. And only because he’d jumped out of bed, only brushed his teeth before getting dressed and then run to Silent Oaks. He’d pressed snooze a good three times before his brain had registered what that annoying sound meant.

Jared was waiting for him just behind the gate, looking nervous. His face lit up when Jensen arrived though. “Jensen! You came.”

“Mrm.” Jensen cleared his throat. Dammit. “Morning, Jared. ‘Course I came.” He passed a hand through his unkempt hair. Jared looked fresh. Hair neatly trimmed, eyes open and his whole being was alert. Jensen hadn’t spent any time that morning in front of a mirror, but he expected he looked just the opposite.

Jared checked out at the security station and joined him outside, looking him up and down. “You weren’t kidding, huh? Not a morning person?” He grinned.

Jensen grunted in reply. At least Jared was also only dressed in sweatpants and a tee shirt, similar to Jensen himself. He might have considered turning around again if Jared had looked impeccable. Then again, probably not. “Ready?”

Jared nodded. “Let’s start slow, okay?”

“Definitely.” They took the first round gently, but when Jensen wanted to stop and stretch, especially since he didn’t get to do any before they started, Jared just kept going. Jensen frowned but kept up, trying to lower their pace. He could see Jared was struggling and before their second round was finished, he had to stop.

“Fuck.” Jared doubled over, hands on his knees, breathing harshly.

“Dude.” Jensen stopped next to him, feeling helpless. Should he touch him? Maybe this was a bad idea. Jared glanced at him and Jensen reached out to rub soothing circles over his back.

“Sorry,” Jared apologized, still out of breath.

“What for?” Jensen leaned down to be at eye level with Jared. “You did very good.”

Jared grunted in reply and stood back upright. Jensen used the chance to finally stretch his legs. When he got to his left leg, he winced in pain. Jared just looked at him. “I didn’t really move at all for weeks. What’s your excuse?”

Jensen assessed him surprised. Was he joking? He decided to go with it. “Oh, fuck you. Your legs are too long. That’s an unfair advantage.” And Jensen really shouldn’t look, but now that he'd started, he kept admiring Jared’s physique.

Jared smirked. “I think you’re just getting too old for this, maybe.”

“Hey now!” Jensen protested, but before he had time for a proper reply, Jared had taken off running again. Jensen decided to give him a good head start but by the time he finally caught up with him, he was pretty out of breath.

They finished their next round and then took another break. Jensen leaned against the nearest bench and fumbled for his water, handing Jared the second bottle he had strapped around his waist.

He’d started to sweat and Jensen downed half of his bottle in one long gulp. When he was done, he found Jared staring at him. Jensen wiped his mouth. “What?”

Jared gulped, still staring at Jensen’s neck. “Nothing.”

Jensen frowned and fingered his collar self-consciously. “You’re sweating just as much, kid.”

Jared flinched at the word. “Shut up. I’m not that much younger than you.”

“Uhuh.” Jensen raised his eyebrow. “Think about that next time you call me old.”

Jared’s lips twitched. “Ah, okay. Well, you’re old in comparison.”

“Oh, fuck you.” Jensen glared at him. “Kid.”

“Not a kid.” Jared was suddenly defiant. “I’m old enough to do this.”

And before Jensen could question him, Jared was suddenly in his space and kissing him. It was just a chaste, quick kiss, over in an instant, but Jensen could still feel it lingering. Could still feel Jared’s lips on his. He licked his own lips to get the taste, but there wasn’t much. Jared was looking at him questioningly. And there was really only one reply. “And I’m young enough to do this.”

Jared was still close to him, so it was easy for Jensen to reach out and pull him down by the back of his neck. Jensen took his time and traced the outline of Jared’s lips with his tongue before he pressed their mouths together and held on until Jared’s opened up. Their tongues briefly touched and Jensen pulled back again.

For a still chaste kiss it was surprisingly hot. Jensen’s whole body tingled pleasantly and his brain was blissfully numb. Or else he’d second guess this. Majorly. Like… but he didn’t go there. Couldn’t. Before he allowed himself doubts, their lips met again and Jensen dropped the bottle and his newly freed hand took place on Jared’s lower back, his thumb slipping under Jared’s shirt, caressing his skin.

Jared jolted and pulled Jensen closer. The kiss deepened and Jared’s hands were warm on Jensen’s back, just holding him close. Jensen played with the hair on the nape of Jared’s neck, pulling and twisting until Jared growled and bit his lower lip in retaliation.

When they pulled back this time, they were both out of breath again. Jared slowly let go of him and Jensen untangled his hands as well. Now without contact, he suddenly felt cold and he had to shiver. Jared bit his lip.

“So…” Jared smiled softly and touched the back of his neck, where Jensen’s fingers had been. Where they wanted to be buried again.

“So.” Jensen nodded. Time to think. He tried to switch on his brain, but it was still too focused on kissing Jared.

“Want to continue?” Jared asked.

Jensen smirked, stepping in again. “Definitely.”

But Jared took a step back. “Uh, I meant running.”

Jensen startled, deflating. “Oh.” No. No, he did not want to continue running.

“I’m just…” Jared reached out and touched his fingers to Jensen’s. “Not like I don’t want to continue _that_ , but…”

“Too early?” Jensen suggested. “Too much?”

“Too intense.” Jared interlaced their fingers. “That connection you talked about? I don’t want to… I can’t.”

Jensen’s face fell. “I understand.” Jared still had a lot to deal with. He didn’t need to worry about Jensen, on top of it. Much as it sucked, Jensen had to understand.

“No.” Jared shook his head. “I don’t think you do.” He squeezed Jensen’s hand. “I want to. Really. But not while I’m like this. Not when I can’t just come over to your place and, I dunno, hang out. Not when I have to get permission first.” Jared looked away. “That’s unfair on you. But I can’t just stop and go home.”

“What? No.” Jensen looked at their hands. “I don’t want you to leave Silent Oaks before you’re…” He bit back ‘cured’, because Jared didn’t have the flu. “Better. You have to focus on yourself right now. I get it.”

Jared shrugged, his thumb stroking Jensen’s hand. “I also don’t want to get you into trouble.”

“Me? Why?” Did Jared think he was a bad influence? Then suddenly Jensen got it. “Jared. I told you. I’m not your therapist. I don’t work for Silent Oaks.”

“Yes,” Jared hedged. “But you’re writing your thesis. I don’t think they’d like it if you started dating patients.”

Jensen considered this for a moment. Thought of Eric telling him how much he’d helped Jared and his bright future. Would Eric still think so when he thought Jensen had crossed a line? Maybe even taken advantage of Jared? And wasn’t that maybe just what Jensen was doing right now? Jared was vulnerable. And Jensen was supposed to be his friend. His friend without benefits. He let go of Jared’s hand and took a step back. “Friends?”

Jared nodded, although he looked sad. “Let’s just run.”

Fuck, no. Jensen wanted to go home, back to his bed to curl up with Icky. But he couldn’t disappoint Jared even further. “Alright. It’s what we’re here for.” He bent to pick up their bottles and by the time he had reattached them to his belt, Jared had already started running.

After another round, they were both so beat, they weren’t even thinking about kissing anymore. Okay, no. Jensen was once more lying to himself. But it was a little easier to resist when he was panting and sweating like a pig. It would just be gross. Grossly hot, their sweaty bodies pressed close together, preferably without clothes, and maybe under a shower, and maybe Jensen should just run another mile.

A few stray joggers were beginning to arrive in the park. Jared moved closer to Jensen, looking slightly spooked. Okay, yes. Time to go back to the hospital.

It wasn’t far and Jared looked relieved to be back behind the gates. “I’ll see you later?” he asked Jensen.

“Yeah. Me and Icarus.” Someone else to focus on. So he wouldn’t be tempted to do anything with Jared but talk.

“Cool.” Jared nodded and turned to walk up to the main building, while Jensen turned the other way to go home.

Once back in his apartment, Icarus was slowly waking up and Jensen took him outside. He’d trained him well. It had taken a few months, but now Icky was sleeping in with him. Something else Danneel had complained about. Apparently on her own, she was an early bird as well. She’d never been when they lived together, but whatever.

Danneel. Jensen should just think about her when he was close to Jared. Not like she was in any way unattractive, but their relationship had been ugly. And did Jensen really want that again? It might have been just him who was unable to live with someone else. Not Danneel’s fault. What if Jensen was incompatible with other human beings? Or whatever it was Danneel had yelled at him.

He fed Icky and took a shower, then did just what he’d intended to. He slid back under the covers and patted his bed to allow Icarus up. His dog jumped up eagerly and immediately proceeded to lick his face. “Ew, Icky. You’re not who I want this from.” It made him smile though and he scratched Icarus’ belly once the dog had settled down next to him.

After lunch – remnants of his stir-fry – Jensen made his way over to Silent Oaks again. Jared was waiting for them, and there was a bowl of water for Icarus. Jensen raised his eyebrow. “Please don’t tell me you’re not completely wiped from this morning.”

“Why? Are you?” Jared winked. “You must be getting old.”

Jensen flipped him the bird and sat down next to him. When their thighs touched, he moved further away. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Close proximity made him tingle and _want_. But he couldn’t _have_.

Jared looked at him, expression unreadable, then he picked up Icarus. “Hey buddie. Miss me?” Icarus yipped and licked Jared’s hands affectionately until Jared reached into his pockets to pull out a treat for him.

“Still got those, huh?” Jensen smiled.

“Oh yeah. Told you I made a good deal.” Jared patted Icky’s head. “And when they’re gone, I’ll just get new ones. Rob said there was more where these came from.”

“Yeah, about that.” Jensen raised his eyebrow. “Just tell me and I’ll bring you some.”

“But then you’d be buying treats for your own dog. I want to get them.” Jared was irritated.

“You don’t have to.”

“But I want to.” Jared pouted, and wasn’t that just the cutest thing? He looked just like a puppy himself. Jensen had to clench his fists to keep from reaching over and touching Jared’s face.

“You don’t know what Rob might want next.” What might top Jared’s worn bathrobe? Underwear? Jensen shuddered.

“What?” Jared snorted. “What do you think he wants? Jeez, Jensen. Rob’s cool. He’s not some pervert.”

“Still,” Jensen insisted. “You don’t know him.”

“I know him better than you do, apparently.” Jared frowned.

“But…” Jensen stopped when he realized why he was so adamant about this. He would like to say he was being protective of Jared, but truth was, he was just jealous. “Alright. But if the trade makes you uncomfortable in any way, promise me you won’t do it and come to me?”

Jared quirked his eyebrow amused. “Alright. You wanna tell me what, according to your head, would be considered payment for some doggie treats? So I can pay you just right?”

Oh, the images flashing through his head right now. Jensen blushed a deep crimson. “Just forget it, okay?”

“Okay, if it makes you blush like that, I _really_ wanna know.” Jared slid closer until they were touching thigh to thigh and shoulder to shoulder.

The sparks shot through Jensen like lightning and he moved back so quickly that he almost fell off the bench.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Jared stood up from the bench and sat a confused Icarus back down on the ground. “You can touch me, you know?”

Jensen flinched. “But… but I thought you didn’t want…”

”I don’t want sex, Jensen. But we’re still friends.” His voice dropped from angry to pleading. “Can we please be friends who touch?”

Jensen closed his eyes. God, he was such an idiot. By trying to stay clear from Jared, he was just making it all worse. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Jensen reached for Jared’s hand and tugged him closer again. And maybe he could just sit on Jensen’s lap now. Straddle him. Front to front so they could kiss. Oh, fuck! “It’s just… hard.”

“Yeah.” Jared let himself be pulled in. Jensen spread his legs and Jared went to stand in between them, putting his hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “Yeah, it is.”

Jensen licked his lips, looking up at Jared. He was so tall, looming over him, bending closer. Bending closer? Before Jensen could even blink, Jared was kissing him again. But only once, then he pulled back and sat down next to him.

“I’m sorry. I’m making it harder.” Jared looked chagrined. He didn’t sound very sorry though.

Jensen crossed his legs, because, _yes_. “Guess it’s just bad timing.”

“No, it’s not.” Jared shook his head. “I’m glad I met you now. Talking to you… it actually kinda helped.”

“You mean with Icarus?” Jensen picked up his dog and held him up.

“Okay, he helped break the ice.” Jared shrugged. “And he’s… it’s great to have someone to hug when you feel like it.” He picked him up out of Jensen’s arms. “But I can talk to you.”

Jensen swallowed. “I don’t want to be your therapist, Jared.” He looked away.

“Oh.” Jared sounded hurt. “So, what? We can’t touch? And we can’t talk either?”

“No!” Jensen turned again. Fuck, dammit. Why was this so hard? “I love to talk to you. You can always tell me your problems. But I also want to tell you mine. And I don’t… you can’t… can’t be my _patient_.”

“Because you don’t have a diploma yet?” Jared frowned.

“Dammit, Jared. Because then I couldn’t do this.” He touched Jared’s cheek and kissed him once more, trying hard not to crush Icky between them.

Jared smacked his lips and smiled. “So how about this? We’re friends who talk, and touch, and occasionally kiss. For now. And when I get out of here, we can maybe be more?”

“I’d like that.” Jensen interlaced his fingers with Jared’s and they just sat in silence, smiling at each other for a while. Jensen mulled it all over, then he shook his head, laughing softly.

”What?” Jared frowned.

“Just realized, we’re both morons.” Jensen was still chuckling. “We could have had that since this morning, you know? It’s not like I’d have dragged you back to my apartment to have my way with you.”

Jared smirked disbelievingly.

“Not like I didn’t want to, but I wouldn’t have,” Jensen specified.

Now it was Jared’s turn to laugh. “Yeah, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I didn’t think about it as well.”

“So where does that leave us?” Jensen just wanted to kiss him again. And all this talk about not doing more? It was making him want to drag Jared behind the god damn oak trees.

“In a happy place?” Jared suggested, then he cocked his head. “Huh.”

“What?” Jensen smiled and squeezed his hand. He liked that, actually. Because aside from the queasiness that still accompanied it all, Jensen did feel pretty happy. Especially when he thought about his future.

“Just realized. It’s been a damn long time since I was last actually happy,” Jared smiled.

“You know what?” Jensen found himself smiling right along. “Same as me.”

“You haven’t been happy?” Jared frowned. “But you’ve got Icarus. And you’re studying something you actually care about.”

“Yeah, but…” Jensen petted Icarus in Jared’s lap. “You had to come along to make me realize how alone I actually was. And how boring and routine my life has become. I mean, I eat, I go to sleep, I go to class, I study. I take out Icky, yeah, but I haven’t been doing anything just for myself in a long time.”

Jared leaned over to kiss him. It lasted longer than before and Jared’s hand came up to caress Jensen’s cheek, but eventually they had to pull back.

Jensen visibly shook himself out of his love drunken stupor. “Alright. Enough about me. You never actually told me what you’re studying.”

Jared groaned, but he didn’t pull back. “Engineering.”

“Oh.” Jensen nodded. “That sounds… solid.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s what my father said. Study something solid. Engineers are always sought after. You’ll have a set life.”

Jensen cringed. “So that’s why you chose it?”

Jared shrugged. “I told you. I had no idea what to pick, so I thought why the hell not? If it makes my father happy…”

“So, what did your guidance counselor say?” Jensen has been wondering about that for a while. His counselor had really helped him find the right university back then.

“Are you serious?” Jared looked at him. “Padalecki, you can be anything you want to be.” He intoned it dramatically and Jensen had to laugh.

“Padalecki, huh?” Jensen teased and suddenly realized they weren’t even on a last name basis yet. And he’d been thinking about Jared non-stop for how many days now? Jeez! But he couldn’t lose focus now. “So what did your dad say about you dropping it?”

Jared tensed up. “He, uhm… he kinda…”

“That bad?” Jensen held his breath.

“No, he, uhm…” Jared looked away. “He doesn’t know yet. Nobody in my family knows I’m here.”

“What?” Jensen sat up straighter. “Jared, they’re your family. They care. You need to tell them.”

“I know,” Jared said miserably. “It’s just… my brother, he’s a surgeon. And my little sister, she’s super athletic. She keeps winning cheerleading tournaments with her squad and stuff. And I’ve always been right with them. A good son. Bringing home good grades, never partying too hard, nice girlfriends…”

Jensen frowned. “So, uhm. What would they say about me?”

Jared blinked. “Oh, thank you for adding another issue to the mix.”

Jensen bit his lip. Well, damn. Damn him for bringing his own issues into this. This was about Jared right now. “So they don’t know you’re… bi?” Jensen guessed.

“No, they kinda do.” Jared shrugged. “They know I sleep with guys. My, uh, my mom caught me and this friend from school one day. We forgot to lock the door and my mom thought it was okay to barge right in, since I wasn’t with a girl.” Jared chuckled. “Poor Jake. I think he was more shocked than all of us. But then, it wasn’t my naked ass my mom got to see.”

“Dude.” Jensen cringed, imagining getting caught by _his_ mom. Maybe it was a good thing that he only started experimenting once he was safely off at college. “So are they okay with it?”

“I guess so.” Jared passed a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what they’d say if I told them I’m _dating_ a guy, but I think they’d be okay with it. It didn’t seem like a big issue. My family’s pretty open-minded.”

“Okay…” Jensen said slowly. He should think this through before he spoke. He should. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Jared, but if your family’s cool with you being gay, then don’t you think they’d support you right now?”

Jared forced a smile. “No, I… I know.” He pulled Icarus closer to him. Something he always did when things got difficult, Jensen noticed. Those doubting his thesis might say what they wanted about him, but Icarus helped.

“But?” Jensen prodded.

“It’s just hard, you know?” Jared’s smile fell. “And the longer I wait, the harder it gets, until it’s just so much easier to ignore it. I mean, what am I supposed to say? ‘And by the way, I had a breakdown and I’m currently in a psychiatric hospital? For over a month?’”

“You have to tell them some time.” Jensen looked at him. He didn’t want to pressure him, but this was his family. It would help Jared to talk to them.

“I know.” Jared turned his shoulder away and Jensen touched it to make him turn back.

“It’s okay, Jared. It’s your decision.” He didn’t want him to withdraw again.

“I know!” His voice was stronger now. “That’s what I kept telling Katie. But she still insisted.”

Jensen raised his eyebrow. “You refused Katie?”

“Err, no. I kinda lied,” Jared admitted. “Just to make her shut up about it.”

Jensen chuckled. He knew it was not cool to lie to your therapist, because what was the whole point of therapy then, but on the other hand… he knew Katie. Knew how tough she could be.

“You won’t tell her though, right?” Jared suddenly panicked. “Don’t tell her, Jensen!”

“Of course not.” Jensen was hurt. “I told you I don’t report on you. Whatever you tell me stays between us.”

Jared calmed. “Okay.”

Jensen took his hand again and interlaced their fingers. He was tempted to ask Jared to just not lie to _him_ , but then he felt silly. He casually glanced at his watch. Damn. “I think it’s time for your group therapy.”

“Oh.” Jared looked at the watch as well. “You’re right.” He hugged Icarus before handing him over to Jensen. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded. “But I have an appointment with my advisor in the morning, so no run.” And as much as he’d love to spend all day with Jared, his aching muscles were happy about that. Also, getting him sweaty and alone might not be such a good idea, or they’d have to redefine their friendship once again and include handjobs behind trees. Or other fun things Jensen really should not think about.

“Oh, okay.” Jared seemed disappointed, then he caught himself. “I’ll see you back here then.”

“You will,” Jensen smiled. Jared hesitated and glanced behind him, then back at Jensen. But when Jensen raised his eyebrow, Jared shook his head and left. Watching him go, Jensen realized what was missing. A goodbye kiss.

In light of his appointment the next day, Jensen went to one of the more crowded areas, making sure to avoid the chess tables though, just in case Katie was there. When she was outside, she liked to watch the chess games. Not like they usually talked, but now that he was spending so much time with Jared, Katie might just ask him about it.

Now that he was spending so much time with Jared… Kissing him. In the gardens of Silent Oaks no less. What had he been thinking? He’d completely ignored everything he’d thought about that morning. What would Eric say? He couldn’t get kicked out. Not only would he lose the basis for his thesis, he’d also lose his chance to meet with Jared. They might still be able to go for runs, but Jensen wouldn’t be allowed on the premises anymore.

But he’d been over this in his head already. He just knew the next time he actually saw Jared again, he wouldn’t be able to resist. He’d tried that today and it had backfired.

For the rest of his day, he tried to concentrate on Icarus and his interaction with the other patients. But none of them reacted quite the way Jared had. They petted and played with him, but they wouldn’t hug him close while they talked. They didn’t quite open up the way Jared had. Eric was right.

When he was home, Jensen worked on his thesis some more, which meant including Jared even more often. And like the day before, writing about him wasn’t hard at all. He just sat down, and it flowed out.

Jensen’s advisor was pleased with Jensen’s progress so far. He even read a few pages and seemed genuinely impressed. If he hadn’t suggested Jensen add an interview with ‘that boy’, Jensen could have gone home happy. As it was, he felt sick and gloomy.

He had to come clean to Jared. Tell him he was in his thesis after all. Even without the interview, he needed Jared’s permission. Should have gotten it before he even wrote the first sentence, let alone a few pages.

His queasiness hadn’t diminished by the time he sat down next to Jared on their bench. Icarus seemed to sense his nervousness because instead of focusing his attention on Jared, Icky kept nudging his legs until Jensen picked him up and handed him over to Jared.

“So, what did your advisor say?” Jared asked.

Of course he’d ask. Jensen sighed. So much for avoiding it for a little longer. “He’s pretty happy with me,” Jensen started.

“That’s great,” Jared said and clapped him on the back. “At least one of us is achieving something academically.”

Jensen cringed. “Yeah, about that… You know how I promised you I wouldn’t use you as a study object?”

Jared tensed up immediately. “Yes.”

“And I wasn’t, I swear. But somehow you influenced my thesis anyhow, and uhm, you’re in it and it works. And I’m sorry, but it’s…”

Jared didn’t give him the time to finish. “What do you mean, I’m in it?”

“You’re Icky’s greatest success. I had to,” Jensen said, trying to justify himself.

“What?” Jared set Icarus down. Bad sign. “So you’re studying me after all? And you’re spending so much time with me to help your thesis?”

“No!” Jensen shook his head. “I wasn’t gonna mention you, I swear. But then Eric said…”

Jared paled. “Dr. Kripke?”

Oh. Oh, fuck! Jensen had to nod, even if he could see Jared crumbling in front of him.

“You talked to Dr. Kripke about me? You promised, Jensen. You promised.” And then Jared sprang up and ran off before Jensen even had a chance to try and hold him back.

He wanted to follow him, but the damage was already done. He should give Jared some time to cool off instead, and then tomorrow they could talk about it. Just like last time. Only maybe this time it was easier to fix, because they’d grown closer together. So Jared had to understand, right?

Jensen turned to go home, confusing Icarus even further. He kept tugging on his leash, trying to walk up to the buildings. “No, Icky. We’re leaving.” Jensen ended up having to pick him up, but even then Icarus squirmed in his arms, trying to jump down. “Dammit, Icarus. Stop it!” Jensen was maybe a little harsher than necessary, but Icky seemed to understand. He stopped moving and just looked up at him. Jensen closed his eyes. “I know. I want to go find him too. But we need to give him some time.”

Icarus just continued to look at him and Jensen felt judged. “Shut up.” He put him back down. “Now you gotta walk on your own.” He tugged on the leash again and this time Icky obediently followed him, keeping pace with Jensen. He didn’t sniff anywhere or show any sign of being eager to get back to the apartment, where there was food, and Jensen glared back down at him. Icarus was complying, but defiantly.

Maybe Jensen should really hand in his thesis as soon as possible and stop analyzing his dog. Because that’s what Icarus still was. His dog. Who couldn’t judge him for his decisions. Since he was a damn dog. Yet still Jensen couldn’t shake the feeling and ended up picking Icky back up anyway. “I’m sorry.”

This time, Icky barked and Jensen smiled. “We’ll go back tomorrow and fix this. I promise.”

He spend the rest of the day lying on his bed with his laptop, brooding over his thesis. He could still cut all the stuff with Jared out and go back to the way it was originally supposed to be. And it would still be a great thesis. Granted, Jared made it all better, but Jared made _everything_ better. Not just his thesis. And even though he’d only known him for a week, Jared was more important to him now.

Jared was more important. Jensen nodded to himself, mind set. What the hell was he still contemplating about? He shut off his laptop and made some dinner.

The next morning, he took Icky out for a walk and then crawled back into bed. Gloom settled back in quickly and he just lay there, staring at the wall, Icarus curled up next to him. He thought about Jared lying in his own bed, staring at the wall, unable to get up, and Jensen could see how damn easy it was.

But also how tough it was. Because while avoidance might make it easier at first, it didn’t fix anything. And you couldn’t shut off your brain. And the longer you waited, the worse you felt about hiding from it. Which in turn just blocked you even more. Because fuck, it was tough to get up and face your fears.

But essentially, it would be worth it. Jensen had to believe things were still fixable. And if he got up now, it could only get better, not worse.

Jensen skipped lunch and went up to Silent Oaks, his laptop in hand. But Jared wasn’t on their bench. Jensen frowned, feeling an impending sense of dread, but maybe he was just late. Jensen was early. Must be. So he settled and Icarus jumped up on the bench to lie beside him. They waited for at least half an hour until he couldn’t just sit anymore.

He got up and walked over to the main building. He wasn’t really sure just what he was going to accomplish there, since he didn’t know what room Jared was in, or if he even was in his room, not to mention Jensen wasn’t even allowed in there himself. He nodded to a few other patients, feeling pretty damn helpless until he ran into Rob.

“You!” Rob was up in his face right away. “What did you do to Jared?”

“What?” Jensen frowned, startled.

“Just tell me so I can fix it.” Rob’s voice had an edge to it. It was even higher than usual.

“Nothing. I did nothing.” Shit. Jensen looked around nervously, hoping none of the therapists were in sight.

“Oh, don’t gimme that.” Rob crossed his arms in front of his chest. “He came to me yesterday and wanted his bathrobe back. His god damn bathrobe. You know how long it took us to get him out of it?”

“What?” Now Jensen was fully confused. He gestured for Rob to move to the side so that they could talk in private.

“His security net, dammit.” Rob poked Jensen’s chest. “You don’t know anything, do you?”

“Uhm.” Jensen said cluelessly, scratching his eyebrow.

Rob rolled his eyes exasperatedly. “Even when we got him out of bed, Jared wouldn’t get out of his bathrobe. It’s like part of him was still sleeping, clinging to his sheets. I didn’t think he’d trade it away for anything, but he didn’t even blink when I asked him for it in exchange for doggie treats.” He nodded towards Icky. “First I thought he just loved your dog, but the way his eyes lit up when he talked about you? I’m not stupid, Jensen.”

Jensen gulped. “He talks about me? In group therapy?”

“Jared’s not stupid either.” Rob poked him again. “Of course he doesn’t. But he now talks to the rest of us. Tries to help, can you believe that?” Rob chuckled. “He’s a good kid. So you damn well better fix this.”

“I, uh, was going to.” Jensen was still frowning. Apparently he didn’t really get the dynamics at Silent Oaks. And he’d clearly underestimated Rob. He bit his lip, feeling guilty. “You wouldn’t happen to know what room he’s in?”

Rob snorted. “Course I do. He’s my roommate, you moron.”

“Oh.” Okay. Even more news. “So he’s in his room?”

“What do _you_ think?” Rob glared at him. “346. If you don’t fix this, I’m going to kick your ass next time you show up here, pretty boy.”

Jensen raised his eyebrow, looking down at Rob. He’d like to see him try. Then again, he had no doubt that Rob would fight dirty. And it was nice that he was so protective of Jared. Even if Jensen’s jealousy nerve made him twitch. “I’ll fix it,” he said. Because yes. He would.

Rob assessed him with a long glance, then he nodded. “Take the first flight of stairs you see, then on the third floor, take a right. If you see anyone, just tell them I sent you to get me a jacket or something.”

“Thank you.” Jensen felt like he should say more, but didn’t know what. Maybe he could express his gratitude later.

“Whatever, man.” Rob pointed at his eyes, then turned his fingers on Jensen, indicating he was watching him. Jensen had to bite back a smile at the gesture and quickly bent down to grab Icarus.

After a quick glance around the area, Jensen slipped inside the building and hurried up the stairs, following Rob’s directions to room number 346. He knocked on the door, but there was no answer. He hesitated, then just went in.

Jared was lying on top of the covers, wearing his pyjamas and the bathrobe, hugging his blanket. He looked almost as dishevelled as the first time Jensen had seen him. And he was clearly miserable. Jensen’s heart ached. “Jared?” He closed the door and Jared flinched.

“Jensen?” He looked up. “What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t on our bench.” Jensen remained at the door, not sure of his welcome yet.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Jared turned away again, going back to staring at the wall.

“Okay.” Jensen pulled the strap of his laptop bag over his shoulder and sat it down by the door. “Is it alright if I unleash Icky?” Icarus was getting squirmy in his arms.

Without looking back, Jared nodded, and Jensen put his dog down, then took off his leash. Icarus wasted no time before running in front of Jared, looking up at him and barking.

Jensen was worried the noise would alert someone, but that was one of the great things about small dogs. They had rather tiny voices. “He wants up on the bed with you,” Jensen explained. “Just pat the mattress if it’s okay.”

Jared patted and Icarus hopped up, licking Jared’s hand once before Jared let go of the blanket and spread it out a little to make room for Icarus. Icky curled up and Jared petted him gently.

Jensen watched them for a while, wanting nothing more than to join them. Then he realized that nothing was actually keeping him from doing so. It wasn’t talking. “Can I join you?” He didn’t wait for Jared’s approval but toed off his shoes and approached the bed slowly, giving Jared every chance to say no. Jared remained still, so Jensen climbed up behind him.

Maybe he should keep a distance, but his brain had once again shut off his rational mode. Jensen scooted up close and wrapped his arms around Jared, spooning him snugly. Jared didn’t resist and when Jensen pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck, he could feel Jared’s body relax.

Jared sighed and dropped his head, still stroking Icarus. Then slowly, his right hand snaked down to where Jensen had his arms wrapped around him, and he interlaced his fingers with Jensen’s. And that’s when Jensen finally let himself relax as well.

Jensen closed his eyes, face still pressed against Jared’s skin, and just breathed him in. He smelled sleepy. Jensen could feel something uncurl inside of him and he realized he could spend the rest of his life like this. Lying in bed with Jared. And Icarus curled up along with them. Yes. “I’ll delete it,” he whispered.

“Why?” Jared asked.

“Because you’re more important to me, Jared.” Jensen nuzzled him. “Because I shouldn’t have included you in the first place.”

“Then why did you?” Jared had every right to be angry, yet he only sounded resigned. And sad.

“I don’t…” Jensen stopped. “Eric.” He tightened his hold on Jared before he could think of running away again. “Eric came to _me_ and told me about you. I didn’t say anything, I swear. But Eric suggested I include you, because you’d made such progress.” Jared remained still. “Extraordinary progress,” Jensen added.

“He said that?” Jared frowned. “But I haven’t…”

“Jared.” Jensen interrupted him. “You told me yourself you didn’t even get out of bed before, then only left your room for therapy. And now you’re going outside, running with me.”

Jared turned around so that they were facing each other. “But that’s not… that’s normal. It’s not extraordinary.”

“Exactly.” Jensen nodded. “It’s normal. Wasn’t that what you wanted?”

Jared frowned. “I guess. Yeah.” He was looking at Jensen and Icarus suddenly climbed over him, settling in between them, obviously feeling left out.

Jensen chuckled and petted his dog. “Don’t make this a habit, though.”

“What?” Jared frowned.

“Oh, no.” Jensen pointed at Icarus. “I was talking to him. He can’t get used to being in the bed with us.”

Jared blushed. “Uhm, yeah… much as I’ve grown to love Icky, he better not even be in the room when we, uh, share a bed.”

Jensen perked up. So it was a definite activity in their near future, wasn’t it? “I’ll lock him in the bathroom.”

“Would that be okay?” Jared stroked Icarus’ head while Jensen was still stroking over the rest of him, and Icky’s tail wagged, happy to be getting this much attention.

Jensen nodded. “He’ll be fine with his bed and a blanket and some toys.” And some extra food. Wouldn’t be the first time he got banned. Although the first time in a long, long time. Not that Jensen didn’t have random hook-ups he regretted the next morning every now and then, but he never brought them home with him. And come to think of it, he hadn’t been to any college parties in months. Damn. No wonder he was fantasizing about Jared so much. He was starved. In that regard, it was actually pretty damn smart of Icarus to get in between them.

Jared looked at him. “I can’t stay mad at you. But it still sucked. And if you lie to me again, I’ll lock the door next time.”

Thankfully Jensen’s brain kicked in on time to not make him defend himself by saying he didn’t technically lie. Instead he just nodded. Then he slid off the bed to get his laptop. “Here. I brought it so you can delete it. Or watch me delete it.”

“You brought your thesis?” Jared sat up. “Can I read it? What you wrote about me?”

“Sure.” Jensen quickly booted up the computer, thinking it over in his head. He hadn’t written anything Jared wouldn’t be comfortable with reading, had he? But he couldn’t back out now. He opened the file and scrolled over the first twenty pages. “It’s all just introduction at first. Talk about P.A.T. dogs, statistics, boring stuff,” he explained.

Jared crooked a smile. “I’d like to read it all one day, if that’s okay?”

“Uh, sure.” Jensen handed over his laptop.

“You sound surprised.” Jared cocked his head and Jensen nodded. “You’re my friend. Of course I want to read your thesis.”

None of his friends had ever actually shown interest. Back home, they just mocked him for being an egghead. Danneel had always only rolled her eyes when he wanted to tell her something interesting he’d learned at class that day. At the end, anyway. When she was honest with him and not faking interest to keep him happy.

Jared settled back and began reading. Jensen settled back next to him, watching his expression carefully. Icarus tried to distract him by tugging on his shirt or licking his hand, but Jensen was too nervous to look away. Jared’s expression was unreadable though.

When he was done with the six pages, Jensen told him as much. “The rest’s just more boring statistics and stuff.” It covered his first five months of working at Silent Oaks. Jared was the real case study. The one who stood out. But he was easy to replace. In the thesis. Not in real life.

“Hm.” Jared closed the laptop.

Jensen frowned, suddenly nervous again. Jared wasn’t deleting it. Oh, shit! He wouldn’t tell Jensen to keep the thesis but forget about him, was he?

“It’s good.” Jared said, surprising him.

“You… like it?” Jensen’s frown deepened.

“Yeah,” Jared smiled. “Thank you for letting me read it.”

“So I can delete it now?” Jensen took the laptop out of Jared’s lap and was about to open it up again, when Jared’s hand stilled him.

“No. Keep it.” Jared took the laptop back from him and put it down on the floor on his side of the bed. “It’s about Icarus. And you’re right. He is a great dog. Reading your observation…” Jared shrugged. “I can’t deny it. It does help, to, you know, have him close to me when I don’t want to talk. I couldn’t tell you why, but it just helps. And I can’t deny Icky the credit he deserves.” Jared petted him.

“I still shouldn’t have just written about you though.” Jensen shook his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intentionally study you. It’s just… it just happened. It’s what I do.” Much as he tried not to, apparently his choice of profession had already spoiled him even before he’d begun to actually _work_.

Jared nodded. “Yeah. So I guess I better get used to it.”

“Can you?” Jensen looked away, afraid of the answer.

Jared snorted. “Smart as you are, you can be a real moron too, sometimes.”

Jensen looked back with a frown, but Jared chose that moment to lean in and kiss him. Jensen smiled and responded, moving closer until he heard Icky yip and then felt his dog climb over him to get out of the way. His smile widened and he used the new freedom to wrap his arms back around Jared and pull him in close.

It didn’t take long for them to end up tangled up together, Jensen’s leg between Jared’s, Jared out of his bathrobe and both their shirts bundled up, more off than on. Jared was obviously not wearing boxers nor briefs under his PJ pants and Jensen wished desperately he hadn’t worn such tight jeans today.

They were thrusting against each other, Jensen’s hand just dancing with the hem of Jared’s bottoms, when loud footsteps coming from the corridor brought them out of their stupor. They flew apart breathlessly, both wide-eyed and panicked. But their door remained closed and the source of noise went away.

Jensen passed his hand over his face. “Shit. That was close.”

“Tell me about it.” Jared replied, still spooked.

Jensen shook his head. “I know we said we’d wait, and I’m okay with it, it’s just that…”

“You’re not okay with it right now?” Jared supplied. He wasn’t angry though, he smirked. “Because I don’t think I’m okay with it anymore.”

“We can’t though.” Jensen stole a little further to his side of the bed before his brain threatened to leave him again. “Not here.”

“I know.” Jared closed his eyes. “Can we go running again tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Jensen nodded. Physical exercise would hopefully disperse some of their pent up energy. Except for how it hadn’t worked last time.

“But maybe we could go in the other direction?” Jared suggested.

Jensen frowned. “But there’s no park if we go left.”

“No, but your apartment is somewhere around here, isn’t it?” Jared looked at him until it settled in.

“Oh.” Jensen flushed, then he grinned. “Oh!”

Jared rolled his eyes with a laugh. “Moron. Told you.” He sat up and moved until his feet touched the ground. Then he glanced at the alarm clock on his nightstand.

“Time for group therapy?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah,” Jared nodded. “But I think I’ll skip it today. I don’t think they’re expecting me anyway. And I’d rather not explain why I’m suddenly up and fine again.”

Jensen moved to sit on the edge of the bed next to him, then he wrapped his arm around Jared’s shoulder and kissed his neck. As guilty as he still felt about being the reason why Jared had had a setback in the first place, he was glad Jared was apparently ready to go out again.

“I think I should call my mom,” Jared announced.

Jensen squeezed him closer. “You should. I’m sure she’s worried sick by now.” He knew this was a big step for Jared.

“Oh, no. I’ve called her. I just didn’t tell her where I was calling from.” Jared shrugged guiltily. “The one great thing about cell phones. It’s always the same number on caller ID, no matter where I’m calling from.”

Jensen didn’t judge. “You want me to leave?”

“No,” Jared looked at him pleadingly. “Can you please stay?”

“Sure.” Jensen let go of his shoulders and Jared reached for his phone. But before he dialled, he patted the mattress until Icky joined him at his other side. Jared smiled down at him, then took a deep breath and pressed a few buttons. Jensen could see his anxiety and reached out to take his free hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing softly.

“Mom? It’s me.” Jared tried to sound cheerful but even Jensen could hear him fail. Apparently his mother had picked up on it as well. “No, nothing’s wrong. I’m…” Jared took another deep breath, then he closed his eyes. “I’m not doing so well, actually.” Jared’s fingers were tightly clenched with Jensen’s but the more Jared opened up to his mother, the more he slowly relaxed and let go.

Icarus had his head and paws lying on Jared’s thigh, but like the awesome dog he was, he knew when not to demand attention or make noise. Jensen tried to mostly drown out what Jared was saying, because even though Jared wanted him present, Jensen didn’t think it was really okay if he listened in to the whole private conversation.

Jensen did, however, listen up towards the end of it.

“No, mom. No. … Because I’m not alone. … No. I met someone. … No he’s not an inmate. And I’m not in prison, mom. I’m in therapy.” Jared looked at Jensen, rolling his eyes. “Yes. He’s a nice guy.” He flashed Jensen a brief smile, before he cringed at whatever was said on the other line. “What? Mom, no! … I don’t know. Maybe. … Yes, he did. … Yeah. … Alright.” A nervous glace at Jensen. “Yes, I said okay. … Yes I’ll call again tomorrow. I… I know you will. … Bye.” Jared hung up. He dropped the phone and began to pet Icarus in one swift movement.

“So, how did it go?” Jensen nudged him.

“Apparently she’d already bought a plane ticket and would have come out here next week, because she sensed something was wrong.” Jared sounded dazed. “But she’s gonna return it now that she knows I’m not alone. She says I sound better.”

Jensen smiled, reminded of his own mother and how she already knew things were over between him and Danneel before Jensen had even said hello. “They have a sixth sense for these kinds of thing, I tell you.”

“She wants to meet you, though.” Jared bit his lip. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but… you know. She would have come here. And I’m not ready yet for her to come and meddle in this. I need to figure things out on my own this time.”

Jensen smiled. “It’s okay. Moms like me.”

Jared chuckled. “Yeah, I bet.” He glanced down at Jensen’s laptop. “Hey, Jensen?”

“Yeah?”

“If I ever, by any chance, happen to meet someone from your family or friends, please don’t tell them I’m the guy from your thesis.” Jared was still looking down.

“I promise.” Jensen squeezed his hand. “Not like they’ll ever read it, but I won’t tell anyone.” It was Jared’s decision to talk about his stay in Silent Oaks. It wasn’t Jensen’s story to tell.

“So what do we say about how we met?” Jared asked.

“On a park bench. And Icarus led me to you. Just like it happened.” Jensen nodded at his dog. Maybe he should get him a nicer doggie bed. Treats didn’t seem like enough at this point.

Jared turned. “You’re right, we don’t even have to lie. You’re not my therapist and I’m not your patient. We’re just two guys who met on a park bench. Introduced by your dog.” Jared suddenly laughed. “You know what though? Nobody’s gonna believe us. It sounds way too much like the start of one of those chick flicks.”

Jensen had to chuckle as well. “Yeah, except for in those, you’d be a girl.”

“You wish.” Jared reached out to touch Jensen’s lips. “Lips like yours say you’re the girl. Besides, you’re the one with the gender appropriate dog.”

Jensen growled. “Oh, we’re back to insulting Icarus now?”

“No, actually I’m just starting to insult _you_ ,” Jared laughed again and it was the best sound Jensen had heard all day. Maybe that made him the girl, but whatever. Before Jared could hurl yet another insult, Jensen shut him up by kissing him. And before they knew it, they’d landed flat on the bed and Icarus had to spring out of the way yet again.

**Epilogue**

Four weeks later, Jared was getting released. Jensen was nervous. Even though they’d been spending almost every day together, this was still different. He was waiting for him on their bench and smiled when Jared arrived, carrying a duffle bag.

Jared flopped down next to him and Icarus automatically jumped in his lap. Just as automatically, Jared started petting him. Daily ritual.

“Ready?” Jensen asked, because they could just walk out of here and go to Jensen’s place. Or to an ice cream parlor. Or to the public park. Or to the movies. Anywhere.

“Mmm.” Jared closed his eyes.

Jensen clasped their hands together. “Just think about the nights you can spend at my place now. And we can actually go for a run each morning.” So far, they’d only gone every second day. Those other days, Jared checked out for it, but instead they went to Jensen’s place and made out. They were still waiting with the textbook definition of sex though. Which was fine with Jensen. And it’s not like they hadn’t done everything else. Which, in a way, had even been _more_ fun. More creative.

But then, if getting a hand job from Jared could already turn into the white hot, blinding orgasmic experience it had been, then Jensen didn’t want to find out what “real” sex was like. Or well, he _did_. He so did. But it was better they found out now, when they could spend the aftermath in bed together without having to worry about Jared’s curfew.

Jared didn’t seem quite as enthusiastic though. “Don’t mention apartments. I still need to find a place of my own. I’ve gotta leave the dorms in two weeks.” Now that Jared had officially dropped out, he needed to find a new place to stay. At least his parents had promised to continue to support him, even if they’d like it more if he came back home.

“I told you not to worry about that. You can crash at my place for as long as you like.” If it were up to Jensen, they’d spend all their time together anyway. The past two weeks had been tough enough, now that Jensen had had to go back to his classes. And still finish his thesis. At least he’d finished that bitch yesterday. He still had to tell Jared. He was hoping for a private celebration later tonight.

“I know.” Jared bit his lip. “And please don’t think I’m ungrateful, but I need to do this on my own. Find my own apartment, get a job, figure out what I am going to do with my life.”

“Nobody says you can’t get help though.” Jensen just didn’t want him to fall back into his hole. Or worse, disappear from his life. But that was also why he was trying to give him space, if Jared needed it.

“Mmm.” Jared sighed again.

“So, do you know where you’ll start now, though? The job hunt?” Jensen had avoided the topic for a while.

“I dunno. I guess I’ll just apply to anything that’s open. Cashier, or waiter, or such.” Jared shrugged.

Jensen nodded. Yeah. Not much you could do without the proper degree. “And then?”

“Dunno.” Jared looked away.

“But you have an idea by now?” Jensen knew he must have, or he’d have never left Silent Oaks. It was Jared’s main reason for staying after he got out of his lethargy. Figuring out what to do next.

“I kinda… I like helping people.” Jared smiled at him. “Kinda what you do. Just, I don’t want to study anymore. I’m done with that. I just want to work. And I think… I think I might be good at counselling others.”

Jensen raised his eyebrow. “Like a social worker?” It would fit with what Jared told him, how all his friends kept unloading their problems on him. And it seemed in group therapy, Jared had soon become a valued source of input as well. Jensen could see it. Jared was a great listener. And he could make you feel better with his warm presence alone.

“Maybe.” Jared fingered a treat out of his pockets and fed Icarus. “Katie actually gave me some numbers to call. Said they were always looking for volunteers, so I could get a first glimpse.”

“Huh.” Jensen was impressed. Katie had always seemed so unapproachable. “I can ask my professors as well. Maybe they have some connections.”

Jared looked away again. “Mmm.”

Jensen cocked his eyebrow. “But you want to do this alone?” He guessed.

“Yes.” Jared started playing with Icky’s collar. “Is that okay?”

“Of course it is!” Jensen squeezed his hand. “It’s your life. I’ll gladly help, if you let me, but I can also stand back and let you do this on your own. I can also step back in general, if you’d rather spend a few weeks on your own right now.” And fuck. That hurt. Oh god!

Jared might not depend on his help anymore, but by now, Jensen was depending on Jared. With Jared he was running regularly now. Jared had helped him strategize his own future in psychology. Along with Icarus, Jared was his new reason to get up in the morning. He hadn’t realized this before, but he’d needed a friend just as badly as Jared. The rest that came with it was just a bonus. An awesome bonus, but he could still be happy just being Jared’s friend.

“Hell, no! I’ve barely seen you these last few days,” Jared pouted. “I can still be on my own when you’re in class.”

“Good point.” The knot in Jensen’s stomach unclenched again. He stood up and dragged Jared with him. They had to leave some time. And the longer they waited, the harder it would get for Jared. Jensen knew him that well by now.

Jared whined, but picked up his duffle bag dutifully and followed Jensen to the main gates. But before they could go through, Jensen stopped again.

“One last thing.” Jensen just had to say this once. “I know you don’t want anyone to know you’ve been in here and I promise you I won’t ever tell, but you should know that it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Jared grunted, but Jensen didn’t let him interrupt. “You realized you needed help, so you got some. Everybody feels lost sometimes. You found one of the better ways to deal with it.”

“I don’t think everybody sees it your way, Jensen.” Jared scuffed his foot on the ground.

“Whatever. You shouldn’t care about them. It’s important that _you_ know it.” Jensen nudged him softly. This close to the gates and their security cameras, they couldn’t touch too intimately, or else Jensen would have hugged him right now. Jared just looked lost. And a quick, manly pat on the back would just not do.

“You might have to keep reminding me.” Jared gave him a small smile.

“I have no problem with that,” Jensen winked. “Ready to face the world outside?”

Jensen turned to check out and didn’t even realize nobody was following until he turned around. Jared was standing stock still, staring at the gate, while Icarus was tugging on his pants’ legs, trying to get him to move. Jensen wasn’t sure if Jared had even noticed what Icky was doing.

And really, fuck it if they were filming this. Jared wasn’t a patient anymore. He’d never been Jensen’s. And the thesis was done and over with, so in theory, Jensen could just stay at home from now on and never go back to Silent Oaks again. He didn’t plan on it, but it wouldn’t kill him.

He took both of Jared’s hands in his. “It’s going to be fine. Trust me.”

Jared made a pained noise, but he was looking at Jensen. Good sign.

“Look. Even Icky thinks you should go.” Jensen pointed down and Jared followed his gaze to where Icarus was still restlessly tugging on his pants.

It took him a moment, but then Jared’s whole posture relaxed and he laughed. “Dude. Your dog is really one of a kind. They should give him your degree.” He leaned down to pet Icky and get him to let go. “Alright, alright. I’m coming.”

Icarus stopped and looked up, then he took a few steps towards the gate and turned, waiting for Jared to follow. And Jared did. One hand still joined with Jensen’s, they finally left Silent Oaks, with Icarus in front of them, barking excitedly as soon as they were on the road.

Jensen put the leash back on him before starting the way to his apartment. “It’s almost a shame we have to lock him into the bathroom now.”

“Maybe…” Jared started, but then he cocked his head. “Yeah. But hey, we’ll leave him with his toys and food, right?”

Jensen grinned. “And fresh water and his bed. He can stay in there until tomorrow morning no problem.”

”Tomorrow morning, huh?” Jared nudged him.

“Or, you know…” Jensen left it open.

“No. Sounds good to me.” Jared flushed when Jensen looked over and Jensen sped up the pace. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to finally get Jared out of Silent Oaks only to trap him in a bed again, but hey, they’d be facing the real world soon enough.


End file.
